I'm On Fire When He Speaks

lost and found...

2010-08-18T23:17:00.001-07:00

Have you ever felt lost?
Lost in your surroundings?
Lost in your own skin?
Since having my little baby three months ago I realize that he has made me feel like i belong... as a mother; i belong. Holding him in my arms is more than i could have ever asked for. Loving him is stronger than i could have ever imagined. But oh the desire to be a better me is so loud because of him. I want so much more for me since looking in his eyes so that i can give so much more to him. more than ever do i want to live fearless... far from hate and full of love. more than ever do i want to come alive with a dream and be moved by passion. as these desires begin to blaze inside of me i feel paralyzed. it's such a paradox to feel so consumed with desire yet so frozen with... i dunno what it is...
apathy?
fear?
doubt?

I realize that i really need to brave the dark caverns... grab a lantern and peer into the shadows of my heart. I need to find me. I need to come out of hiding and be found. Found by my Maker. The One who loves me terribly. It's Him who brings me hope and it's Him who has the ability to light my heart on fire. It's Him who can catapult me into action. It's Him who can bring me back to life. To full life. For my son. For my husband. For me.

I've let so much hold me back.
Fear.
Doubt: in myself and people around me.
Distrust.
Apathy.
It's like a ghost train barreling towards me but I didn't notice it until i've been hit. I didn't realize i was afraid or unwilling to trust people or take risks... not until the time came to do all of those things... it's physically hard and like i said before feels paralyzing. Almost not worth trying.

But a small boy has captured me. He has stirred my heart. I know God puts people in our lives to bring us closer to Him. And without knowing it my son is an instrument of God in my life. Causing me to want to be a better person for him.... which pushes me closer to the One who makes all things good.

I'm not sure what steps i need to take to be a better me. But things as simple as articulating feelings and thoughts is a step towards curing my paralysis... hopefully i will choose to make more of a habit of it.

the next step....

2010-04-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

3 summers ago we made a decision to give up what we felt was our predictable and comfortable life that we sincerely loved so much for a whole lot of unknowns. We told God that we wanted to learn how to trust Him again, we wanted Him to surprise us daily. We followed a dream called MissionBurnaby all the way out to the west coast with a
uhaul full of 'stuff' and not much else. We had a temporary home with some friends, a little money saved up and no idea what we'd do for jobs. From day one in Burnaby God gave us exactly what we asked for, everyday we had no idea what to expect. It's the big joke with us missionburnaby'ers that Brian has tried everything... From door to
door gas sales, spinning the roulette table at the PNE, outside line painting, working at a group home for teens, being an extra in movies, commercials and tv shows, and being an on call educational assistant. Every day was/is a surprise for us. we're holding our breath at 6 in the morning hoping he'll get a call to work at a school, it's not our ideal situation, but we have begun to learn what it is to trust God, just like we asked. He's never left us without or in want... we've been completely taken care of, and i can't help but believe, God has been woven throughout the past 3 years of our west coast life.

The past three years we've made amazing invaluable friendships. It's so hard coming to a place where you really know no one, and you have no choice but to throw yourself in and pray to come out alive. But yet again, God did not leave us... we were able to make truly meaningful friendships that we'll cherish forever...

We followed a great dream come out here... one that asks and challenges us what it is to be the church. What is it to be Jesus to people who don't know Him... but shortly after coming out here, we began to ask ourselves... what is our dream? What is it that makes us come alive? This isn't a question we really have to think hard about, we're both passionate about being a part of young people's lives. Speaking truth, whether that be about body image, dreams, peer pressure, the lies the media is speaking to young people, anything. We've both been able to experience doing this before we got married and for a short time after, and long for it again.

All this to say, about 2.5 years ago we were approached to be a part of a program in Calgary that would like to set something up that would get us into schools to do multimedia presentations for elementary to highschool students on different subjects that they are struggling with. It was all a dream at this point and we all felt we just needed to wait on God, and see what comes of it.

So about two years later (this past November) we met again, and felt like this would all be happening soon. Brian and I both felt that we were absolutely supposed to be a part of this, and within months things began falling in place... and are continually doing so, in a way that only could mean God is behind it.

It's been an amazing 3 years of figuring out who we are and what we want in life... and with a baby on the way we really couldn't ask for more. We feel like God has laid our dream in front of us and says "here you go, take it if you want.." So... We're gonna pick it up and run wit it! This means, we'll be moving to Calgary in the summer.

It's hard to even think about packing up our life right now, when a new life is coming so soon, but we want to be people who live life without regrets, people who take advantage of great opportunities, who take risks... even if the risk seems too big to look at some days. I can only look back at our lives up til now and know that we were taken care of then, and that everything will be ok tomorrow. There are so many unknowns in the near future, but I'm left with excitement, not fear... trust, not doubt.

So here we go... living our dream :)
We'll keep you updated!

2010-04-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

12.5wks, 15.5wks, 18.5wks, 21.5wks!

2010-01-08T12:53:00.000-08:00

it's about time...

2010-01-06T13:55:00.000-08:00

It's been WAY too long since i've blogged. I don't know if i just am lazy or if i don't feel like i have anything important to say... but regardless, i figured it's time to write SOMETHING!

We're nearly through the first week of 2010. What a year this will be! This year will make Brian and I parents. Wow. I can't get enough of this little man growing inside of me.... every bump and tummy ache just excites me more and causes me to love more.

So the idea of setting "goals" or "New Year's Resolutions" is something i always end up doing, with very little follow through. Although this might seem a little discouraging, I can't help but write out some "goals" for the year.

I was just tidying up what will be our baby's room and came across all my paints... ahhhh painting. It's been so long. As much as I love painting, I think I love the whole Dreaming and Envisioning before the paint hits the canvas WAY more. I think that's what I miss the most, it's not the end product or the way the colors mix... it's the heart that goes into it. So I'm starting out slow, but I'm making it a goal to sit down and paint AT LEAST once a month. To allow myself quiet time to dream and pray and then to express through colors and shapes and words.

Also I want to be a more organized person... in my home and in my life. The idea of a little person coming into my world, one that commands all my attention and love and focus, makes me want to get that sort of stuff somewhat in order. Simple things like making the bed every day, staying caught up on laundry... not just on weekends, and then personal things like praying and reading, even if its just for 5-10 minutes a day. I want to get rid of the clutter... in all aspects

There's more to write... but i gotta run to work right away.
Hopefully i can make it a "goal" to blog more often, once i get going it's like pulling on a perfect fit of jeans... which is hard to find these days ;)...

Behruse meets God

2009-07-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

Last night Brian and I witnessed someone experience God for the first time.
It was unexpected. For us. And for Behruse.
We planned to leave. So did he.
God had different plans. I'm in awe of His timing.

The plan was to find a comfy spot at English Bay in Vancouver to watch night 2 of the Celebration of Lights. It was South Africa's turn to show Vancouver what they've got. The forecast was to be about 29 in the afternoon and 23 in the evening with 10 percent chance of rain. It was to be the perfect night for fireworks. I heard on the radio they were expecting 350,000 people to be there.

After a great supper at SalaThai - yum... It was about 7:30, we walked down to the water and found a nice little spot not right on the beach but with a beautiful view... and then the clouds began rolling in and it started to rain. We kept telling ourselves that it wasn't going to last, we'll wait it out and it seemed to slow down a bit. I got a call from a couple of friends who were going to meet us who decided not to come anymore due to the rain. We talked about it and decided we probably wouldn't stay either. We were soaked and the sun was beginning to go down and we were not prepared to be wet AND cold.

Brian, who was just in a tshirt and shorts thought it would be a good idea to head back home knowing that there are 2 more fireworks shows next week that we could go to. Me being the stubborn girl i am, wanted to stay. I thought we were already wet we were already there, with great seats, and really i just didn't want to be a "quitter"... someone who couldn't handle a little rain. lol. But after talking it out for a bit, we packed up our stuff and began towards our car.

Once we got up to Davie street it continued to rain at a steady pace but we were warming up due to walking so we decided to keep walking down davie towards the water in a different direction and just stick it out. By this time the sun had begun to set, and it was absolutely breathtaking. People were stopped in the rain taking picture after picture. It was thundering and lightening out like crazy, something i don't think i have ever seen/heard since living out here. I kept saying/thinking wow all these people came out to see fireworks and God's like "i'll show you fireworks". It was beautiful.

It was almost 9pm when i got a hankering for yam fries. As we kept walking we found a little restaurant/pub on Davie that had their menu on the steps that had yam fries on it. We tried to get in, but the door was locked and said use other entrance. We were seriously soaking wet and as we tried to find the other entrance we decided we were just too wet and they probably wouldn't want us in there.

This is when we met Beruse.

As we're standing on the crowded street by the pub a man watching the sky turned around towards us and approached us. My immediate judgment I'm sad to say was that he was going to ask for money... although he did not look homeless, then i went on to think maybe he was going to ask if we had any weed... as that's a common occurrence here in Vancouver. Instead the first thing he asked was. "Have you ever seen anything like this before?" Before we had the chance to fully answer he answered his own question saying, "I have lived here for 22 years and I have never seen a sky like this". He went on to say, "I'm not normally a religious man, but this sky is a sign to us, to me, that God is real. That God is with us." He went on very passionately listing different gods and expressing his need for one. He repeated God, Jesus and literally cried out how he needed Him. How he was lost and weak but how he could feel Him inside of him. He cried out to know Him and to see Him and as Behruse was calling towards the beautiful sunset for God lightening would strike. I couldn't help but laugh at God's response!

On the middle of Davie street in the pouring rain surrounded by thousands of people Behruse began to weep as he cried and prayed telling God how he needs Him, how he promises he'll go to church, but only if He will show up like He did tonight. I still can't believe what I witnessed, I don't know how to put it all into words. He spoke out of his heart into the sky through tears his desperate need for a God who knows him and who has chosen him for this moment to be caught off guard and caught in His beauty. He admitted to us his brokenness that for the first time in 6 months he drank alcohol tonight because his cousin had to leave, that he smoked 2 puffs of marijuana, that his wife and daughter who is 14 and son who is 25 isn't with him anymore. He told us that in his country he would be shot dead in the middle of these streets for doing what he was doing now, speaking to us of a God who has caught his attention and stolen his heart. He continued to ask us if we could understand him because his english was normally very poor, but what we heard was extremely eloquent and passionate, He thanked God for that miracle.

I said to him that we were planning to leave earlier, that we weren't really expecting to be down here on davie tonight, but that I was convinced that God had a specific plan for all of us to meet. He also said that he had actually left earlier deciding not to stay but later decided to come back because God wanted him to see this beautiful sign of His beauty. He prayed that he would never forget it and that everyone walking would see what he has seen.

I still am in awe that in hundreds of thousands of people that God connected us to Behruse. Not really to say anything special or to be these great Christians with answers, but simply and majestically to be a witness (as Behruse put it) to this man's first connection to God, the the One who made heaven and earth. To be an ear to hear this man's story, to catch a glimpse of what our desperate need for God looks like.

I was so challenged and encouraged and just knocked to my feet. To find that hunger, to live with that conviction. To see God in everything and let it transform me! I'm so thankful to have been there last night, for God to interrupt our plans.

We ended up just getting to the beach as the fireworks started, and let me say, they were beautiful, but God could not be outdone, he continued to do His light show in the sky that just showed me His awesome power and beauty, how I'm honored to know Him. To be called His daughter.

i was made for this

2009-07-11T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's funny how God speaks. He has perfect timing to speak exactly what needs to be heard at just the right time, yet His words pierce, hover, resonate from ancient days. I love how His words were like water to the thirsty in the times when Jesus walked and they fully and completely quench my thirst today. I love that His truth remains, it doesn't waiver, He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He never fails me.

Just as God has been blowing life back into dreams in my heart i found this Journal entry from December 1, 2004. It's air in my lungs, it's a pulse in my veins, sight for my eyes. It's hope for my heart.

He says Meryl you are passionate, you are strong, you have a mother’s heart, you were created to love, not to walk in fear, but in freedom, to be different, to be gentle – I created you to walk as I walk, talk as I talk.That as you bow yourself down at my feet I will rise up in you.You will not be the same.You’re not who you’ve been told you are.You’re not who you think you are – you’re so much more.I’ve made you – and you will embrace life – my life as you understand that you are my Daughter…. Created in my image.
Will you walk like me?

So I just spent the last hour or so driving around with God – looking at Christmas lights, crying, talking and listening. I’m not who I’m supposed to be right now. I’m not backsliding or anything, I even think I am moving forward – I’m just not the daughter he’s called me to be… one whose heart mirrors His. And there’s the passion for it in me – but so much fear holding me back. I don’t want to be that girl who lives on ‘what if’s’… who doesn’t do anything due to fear, who doesn’t let God use her fully because she doesn’t even fully trust Him. That’s not who I’m called to be. I’m called to live wildly… to love wildly. To take risks – big ones, chancing the fact that I might get brutally wounded, and at the same time finding comfort in the fact that my faithful Father will and always will continue to nurse me back to health. Is it good to give myself 100% to everything? To fully live… will that wear me out? Can I do it… certainly not on my own strength. Jesus I need you, I need your heart. I want to be like you. I want to live limitless, wild, and compassionate. I want a full life that shines Your name. that you would be magnificently glorified. Can I? Just thinking about it I feel crippled, that I’m handicapped. I’m like someone with their legs amputated but has all the passion in the world to be a runner. Although that dream is so farfetched it still gets me so excited and passion filled. Ridiculous faith. Faith that doesn’t really make sense, but there’s no possible way to suppress it. Ah I want to run… it bubbles inside of me, my heart beats faster, my eyes well up with tears, that lump rises in my throat no matter how hard I try to swallow it. BECAUSE I WAS CREATED TO RUN!! Not because I’m so great, but because I’m the offspring of a king… THE KING! I was made for this.

i want to know you more

2009-06-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight my hub-a-lub is working, so in an attempt to go through boxes of "things" we accumulated over the years I've come upon old journals that stop me in my tracks, that completely distract me for hours on end.

Here's a quote from a book i was reading in the Fall of 2004 called The Divine Embrace by Ken Gire... just reading this excerpt I can feel my heart's cry, I see dust fly off the love that I've kept hidden, the dreams that have been confined and I want to come alive I want to feel this love, I want to be covered in it and live by it :

"Now so many mornings when I awake, with my head still on the pillow and sleep still in my eyes, I thank God for the gift of a new day. I ask that I not take for granted the generosity of another day, that I might be attentive to the gifts he wants me to receive and also to the ones he wants me to give. Then I ask by evening I would love Jesus more than I did in the morning. I know that I will love him more if I see him more and hear him more, so I ask to see even the slightest glimpse of him during the day and hear even the smallest echo of his voice above the other voices of the day."

Pics

2009-06-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

A wonderful friend of ours and an incredible photographer took some pics of me and Brian.
Take a look at her website: www.traceylheppner.com

small update

2009-06-17T12:39:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged and I really want to get back into it because I love it!

Well June is half way done. There are like 7 days of regular school days and then we're onto the summer schedule! wow. It's going to be busy, I'm working 1 on 1 with a special needs boy Mon-Fri, 9-5. Should be fun... he's actually a great kid, has moments of meltdowns, but don't we all!

This summer will be kinda hard for me, while I'm working Brian is going to be leading a Street Invader team that will be spending a week in Surrey and a week somewhere on the Island. It just worked out that he is available, so really why not. I think it will be so good for him, i'm just utterly heartbroken that I can't be part this year, that instead I have to be at a job that I'm simply not crazy about. I know just as God has cool important stuff for Brian on Street Invaders that He also has a reason for me to be spending all my time at the Y this summer. It's just hard to see of course.

hmmm not a lot is really planned for my summer. I'm turning 24 in like 2 and 1/2 weeks, and am planning a get together with my friends out here, Brian's mom and dad are coming the end of June to visit which will be nice. This summer is so opposite from last summer, we both didn't work and were in Saskatchewan travelling allllll over for 5 weeks, it was exhausting, and amazing. I was so happy to be back in BC. This year, I'm happy to be staying in BC, just wish I wasn't working of course!

Well I need to go do some cleaning up before heading back to work, later this week I'll write something a bit more deep ;)

Times

2009-03-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

This past weekend has been hard for me. We all go through valleys where we have a hard time seeing or hearing God. Where our hearts ache and we can't put words to it. Where we know we were created for so much more than what we are living. I felt really broken, I felt lost, like I couldn't be found. This song just was exactly it, everything I feel and everything I need to hear.

I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you'
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (repeat 4)
i hear you say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and attempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends
mmm, mmm
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

January 1st

2009-01-02T19:07:00.000-08:00

Well here we are in 2009. Wow. So much floods my mind when I think... or even dream of a brand new year, all the possibilities - of what I can do, who I can be, what might happen to me, or what I might make happen, it's all within my grasp. 2008 was a good year, a year that I started and finished in Burnaby. I started '08 feeling lost, or misplaced... like I didn't fit or belong where i was. I ended '08 with hope, excitement and joy. I feel like I've let myself take a long look around; at my surrounding, my decisions, at myself and I feel like I can smile. I can breathe.

One thing that wasn't as present in 2008 as I wanted it to be was a genuine longing and hunger for a deep relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, 2008 was great and i know God moved in me and through me and there were moments of direct transformation and close conversation with Him, I just know by looking back that more often than not I settled in my relationship with God. I want 2009 to be filled with prayers, songs, paintings, journal entries, tears, laughter... all as an offering of praise, gratitude and worship just cluttering the foot of the throne. I want to be found there in 2009.

I know once the clock strikes midnight and a new year rolls in it feel like a new life, full of opportunities is within reach... we are able to dream as though what once caused us to stumble will no longer trip us up - because it's a new year... what distracted us will no longer waste our time - because it's a new year... what I didn't do last year I will definitely do this year - because today is new and fresh... a day like no other...

But wasn't yesterday new and fresh just like today? What was stopping me then? and why will it magically cease to be a problem today?

I know today, January 1st, causes a lot of us to think about the quality of our lives and how we can better them, and the quality of our relationships and how we can deepen them, and I know yesterday I should've been thinking about these same things. But as I may have failed yesterday to implement these dreams and yearnings of my heart, I know today is just another day like yesterday was, just as fresh and new as the day before. And if January 1st causes me to dream and hope for tomorrow, then I am one step closer to walking those dreams and hopes out... one step closer than I was yesterday anyways.

So I'm not afraid to make goals and to dream dreams today on January 1st, even if none of them come to pass... I know tomorrow will come and hopefully the next and then the next and so with it comes another opportunity, another chance to dream and hope and move towards them.

~

He leads me beside Calm Waters; He restores my soul.

2008-10-25T23:04:00.000-07:00

My journey the last little while has felt as though God has been calling me to return to Him. Not that I really ever left Him in a physical sense... but in my heart, the areas that are in pain and in desperate need of Him... that's where I've shut the door. I've pushed the Doctor out of the places that are bruised, even bleeding, in urgent need of medical attention... I've been afraid of the pain, so I've numbed, I've been afraid of who I'll be if I see how I really am, I'm afraid of needing people or of being alone in my brokenness, and knowing that that's my decision... It's just this huge storm that I've done everything and made every attempt to avoid.
The past few months I've been feeling God lightly whisper to me areas where I need Him and His truth desperately. As scared as I am every time I feel Him nudge me I can't help but notice how gentle and patient He is with me. I can't help but take a step closer to Him as well as one closer to the mess of my heart.
When I first became aware of this particular journey I'm on towards trust and healing and being loved God gave me the scripture: "He leads me beside calm waters; He restores my soul." and that began to weave it's way into my heart. I feel like this huge, scary storm that I've been so afraid of inside myself has been calmed by my Maker, the One who knows me best. He's calmed the waters that once were raging and He leads me beside them, able to face them, to look into the depths of them, to immerse myself in them, and to be restored in the meantime.
So that's what the painting is above...

Celine!

2008-10-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

I still don't really have words to explain this event in history. It was everything I could have asked for... other than actually meeting Celine. But it was unbelievable, I have the most wonderful husband ever to make this dream come true. :)

Friends

2008-09-27T18:40:00.001-07:00

I love my friends. I miss them terribly. I think of them all the time. It's unreal what a true friend can really mean to someone. I'm at this place, living in a big, busy city and desperate for a good friend. One to just hang out with, to laugh with, to fight with, to take goofy pictures with, talk about heart stuff with, to dream with, to be challenged with. Here's a little history of some of my great, beautiful friends...

This to the right is my wonderful friend Dani Stobbs. She is the most recent BFF I've made. We met in Estevan, she just moved there with her family from England. We started hanging out when she began dating a guy that was going to be moving to Burnaby with a big group of us. We connected a lot because of where we've been. Our brokenness and desperation for Jesus made it easy for our hearts to mesh. I don't know what I would do without this girl. It's hard to believe we've only been friends for 2 years. This past summer I got to hang out with her for 3 weeks straight. I got a closer glimpse of her heart and our friendship was strengthened as we endured amazing experiences. Next spring she's getting married to a good ol' Canadian boy and I get the honor of standing up for her as part of her GINORMOUS wedding party! I can't wait, It will indeed be a party! I love Dani so so much, I'm so thankful for her and for the ways she challenges me. She truly is a gift to me.

Here to my left is the beautiful Megan Jessica Joy. She is indeed my JessicaJoy! Megan and I became friends at Trossachs Gospel Camp the summer of '98 I think. I was this awkward, insecure little girl that ended up at this crazy Christian Camp where I had NO idea what the world was going on. Megan befriended me and has pursued my heart ever since. We would stay in contact through letters in the mail, the random phone call, then when emails got big we were somewhat sporadic with those. She would come to my volleyball games and we'd meet again every summer at the camp where we met. Towards the end of highschool I began driving to Estevan often for a youth service and this is where we really got to know each other's hearts. Not long after graduating I moved to Estevan and our journey continued to flourish. I have endless memories with Megan, many tears, some fights, lots of laughter, TONS of pictures, and definitely a full heart. She challenges me to fight for the dreams God has placed in my heart as I see her do the same. Megan is more than a friend to me, she is a sister. I love her.

This is Ms. Ashley Lauren (the reindeer) Bakke. She is one of the longest friends I have ever had. My very first memory of Ashley was when I moved to Yellow Grass, I just turned 7 and I saw 3 girls playing in a sandbox next door. I asked them if I could join them, and I think at first they said "no", but soon after I was in there playing in the litter... Ashley was among the 3... it's been history since then. People normally wouldn't say her name without mine, or mine without hers... it was as if our names were one word... AshleyandMeryl. She has been the most faithful friend to me, we've had some terrible fights, and I've done some terrible things, but she's been a clear representation of Jesus to me, constantly taking me back, my slate wiped clean. I remember when things began changing, and we began growing up... We no longer lived across the street from each other but I was traveling Canada and she was in Trinidad & Tobago. I remember the day we went our separate ways the tears were in abundance. Since then we've never lived in the same place, but I can tell you we're never really ACTUALLY apart. She's a friend that no matter how much distance gets in the way I know we'll still be close.

I have a bunch of other really great friends, but right now, in this moment, these three really stood out to me, these three I'm really missing right now. As much as I'm so desperate for a friend to fill that void right now... someone LIKE them... I'm so so so thankful to already have them in my heart. I am blessed to be able to love them and be loved by them, love that doesn't end when we're not together, but love that goes stronger. Thanks Jesus for my friends.

practising for celine.

2008-09-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

i figured, not a lot of people read this, at least i think!
this is just a little glimpse of who i REALLY am lol

we've arrived

2008-07-16T13:45:00.001-07:00

well we arrived in winnipeg this a.m. after 36 hours of stinky bus. we encountered quite a few "interesting" people... a big grown man carrying around a wall-e doll everywhere he went, a little girl who shared her dry ribs with Brian, people talking in their sleep, a woman with a mullet who thinks all people are stupid, but caught onto dutch blitz quite fast... the bus carries very interesting people.

so brian is catching up on some zzz's, and I'm sitting here trying to wrap my brain around all that this summer will hold! I will keep you updated on here!

2008-07-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

2008-07-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

well, i just quickly wanted to write, because i haven't in a while and we're about to embark on an incredible journey for the next 5 weeks. Tomorrow we're leaving on a Greyhound to Winnipeg. It's going to take 36 hours to get there... yikes. We'll be spending some time with Brian's Mom and Dad which we're both excited about, then back to Estevan for a wedding, then continuing on to see my mom, then off to Street Invaders that will bring us back to Estevan then onto the farm. I can't actually believe we're doing this. I'm not sure entirely of my feelings, it feels like I'm stepping into a life of adventure... not that this year hasn't been, it's just a different adventure. This past year has been a scary adventure, a somewhat lonely adventure, a growing adventure... and I feel like I'm stepping into an adventure that is somewhat familiar, but completely new. I'm so blessed to do all that we'll be doing this summer, and so blessed that I get to share the experience with my husband. Wow so excited....

I gotta go now, going swimming with some girls, then kayaking. How fun!

Breathe You In

2008-06-02T13:11:00.001-07:00

I painted last night for the first time since January. It was the most refreshing, beautiful feeling I've felt in a long time. My friend asked me after seeing the painting, "how do you feel after painting that?" my response... exactly like the painting. Like I'm breathing again, finally. I feel more free, more excited, fresh, protected by His presence, honored by it. I had a hard time sleeping after, I was giddy, truly happy... not because I painted a nice picture, but I felt as if I was coming alive again. That Jesus had met me in a dark, insecure place... a place that I've considered home for way too long... he met me and he moved me, he loved me, he released me. He breathed into me so that I can breathe. Oh how i long to breathe like this forever.

This song below has summed up my feelings, the grace that I encounter in His presence.

Father, I am waiting
I need to hear from you.
To know that you're approving
of what I say and do.

Cause nothing really satisfies,
like when you speak my name.
So tell me that you'll never leave...
and everything will be okay.

In your presence
all fear is gone.
In your presence...
In your presence
it's where I belong.
In your presence...

Father I'm returning
to things I used to do.
Cause somewhere on the journey
I think I lost hold of the truth.

But nothing really satisfies,
like when you speak my name.
So tell me that you'll never leave...
and everything will be okay.

Fill in your presence father.
Fill in your presence...

Getting to Know Me...

2008-05-11T11:22:00.001-07:00

I just had an amazing weekend. A weekend of eyes being opened, dreams being stirred, hearts being encouraged, purposed being awoken. I went the this conference in Surrey called Life Women Conference. There were amazing speakers there such as Helen Burns who pastors at the Family Victory Church in Surrey/Vancouver, also Bobbie Houston was a speaker who along with her husband pastors at the Hillsong church in Australia, then the amazing Charlotte Scanlon-Gambill who with her husband pastors at Abundant Life Ministries in England.
There were about 1000 women attending the conference, all with one purpose, to hear from God. To hear His voice through the worship, through the speakers, through the Holy Spirit pulling on our hearts, what a beautiful atmosphere. I know I left that place wanting to rise up with purpose.

I've been in this funk lately, this lazy, purposeless funk... I've been distracting myself with stuff, consumed by working and sleeping with little or no time for anyone else. In this funk I've been thinking... i guess whining is the word, a lot about what am I going to do with my life? How is this little life of mine gonna be worth it. I'm 22 years old and I've been on mountaintops and I've camped in valleys, I've felt cradled by God and so far away from God, I've been a dreamer and I've been a doubter, but I am not satisfied with what I have had or where I am now. I want more. I was created to want more. I think that's a good place to be... wanting more, but only when this hope and desire is brought to and met by God. Where I've been at these past few months these wants and desires have been empty complaints. They haven't been given or tucked away in prayer, I haven't offered them to my Father. I've held them, and I feel like they're stealing life from me.

Yesterday Charlotte spoke on 1 Samuel 25. A story I can honestly say I had never heard. The story of Abigal, Nabbal and David. Go read it. It's amazing. The basic outline of the story is that Abigail and Nabal were married, not the best match, Nabal's name means "Fool" and Abigail's name means "Joy of her Father". David had been watching over Nabal's land and flock's. One day his men went to Nabal's door to inform him of some news. Nabal with no respect tore into them and offended David. The men told David about this and David's first response was "Men, grab your swords!" That's where women step in :) A servant ran to Abigail to tell her about what has happened. She shared David and his men's cause then said, "can you see what you can do?"

Next it says wasting no time Abigail grabbed loaves of bread, cakes, wineskins, grain, and loaded up her donkey. She took off to go find David, when she found him, she lowered herself and blamed her husband's actions on herself. David responded saying, "Thank God he sent you to me so quickly, you have saved me and others from much bloodshed."

That's all paraphrased of course. But wow... "can you see what you can do." Abigail didn't respond like her servant likely expected... These men were coming to kill all of them, she didn't respond with a sword, she responded out of what she could do. Cakes. Wow. And she saved lives by doing it.

How often do we place our own gifts so low on the totem pole and place so little importance on them and try to do what everyone else is doing and completely miss the mark. God has placed something so specific inside each of us. Something that will change our own life, and save others. The next thing that happens in the story is Abigail goes home and her husband has dropped dead. David then comes and proposes marriage to her. Holy smokes. By being obedient to God at what HE has placed inside of us, he will change our situations, He will bless us, He will turn evil into good.

I was just really challenged by that, by so much more as well. I want to be exactly who God has created me to be, I want to make room for my gifts to grow. I'm tired of crowding them by trying to plant in myself gifts that other people have. I'm tired of pushing the gifts He's given me back in because they look different or I dont have time for them. I want to fully live! Fully for Him! Because even if this weekend was just a glimpse of hope for me and my future, and the life I could be living, I want desperately to walk into that glimpse. I only have one life on this earth. One chance. It's time to get moving... It's time to be me... as He created me..

On My Way Home

2008-05-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

This morning I heard the new Clay Aiken song, and it just really touched me, just wanted to share the lyrics...

I took my first step
On that black and white kitchen floor
I sometimes wonder if that house
Is even there, anymore
I had my first glimpse of love
When I was five
I watched two people split apart
But still the three of us survived

I've seen the best
I've seen the worst
I wouldn't change what I've been through
I've touched the sky
I've hit the wall
But I did what I had to

On my way here
Where I am now
I've learned to fly
I have to want to leave the ground
I've fallen hard
But I've been loved
And in the end it all works out
My faith has conquered fear
On my way here.

My address has changed
Almost every year
I've found that standing still
Can quickly make a lifetime disappear
I'd rather try and fail
A thousand times denied
And this, whenever you feel pain
It lets you know that you're alive

I've been a fool
I've been afraid
Yeah, I've been loved
I've been lied to
I've been wrong
And I've been right
I stood up when I had to

On my way here
Where I am now
I've learned to fly
I have to want to leave the ground
I've fallen hard
But I've been loved
And in the end it all works out
My faith has conquered fear
On my way here.

No guarantees
I believed that I would find
An open door or a light
To lead me to the other side
I guess that is why

On my way here
Where I am now
I've learned to fly
I have to want to leave the ground
I've fallen hard
But I've been loved
And in the end it all works out
My faith has conquered fear
On my way here

I've Got Nothing Left...

2008-03-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

It's pretty hard doing this 'church' thing alone... not having someone instructing or leading, it's honestly easier to just not do it, but not doing it is so brutal on my heart. I can remember my life when I allowed Jesus to actively live in my heart, He wasn't just rooming and boarding there... He owned it. He was part of every thought, every word, every move... Oh Jesus, live here again. Forgive me for saying you're too loud, or that you're breaking too much of my stuff, sorry for saying you're taking up too much of my time, or that you're asking for more than I want to give. God I want all of this... all of me... to be Yours.

This mess I've created I just can't fix. God I know everything that You break, You'll fix... making it better and far more beautiful than before. I don't just want you in my heart again, God I need you here!

I can't live like this, trying to make it on my own, I just can't. I need you, take up residence here.

I was feeling this morning as I was sitting on the bus wrestling through my thoughts, my daily insecurities, that I am being stripped bare, that everything that I've held onto, everything that I've used to define myself by is being taken away from me, but as I read my Lent meditation (that i was a few days behind on) I realize that I have everything I need, and that everything that has been taken away I don't need. I'm left with me, broken, proud, insecure, and longing and I'm left with Jesus, my healer, my comforter, my Doctor, my fulfiller.

I was reminded while reading that through Jesus' long excruciating walk to the cross, through the pain He suffered, through the disgrace He endured, I can walk strong and straight, unashamed... but sigh, I am so unaware of what Your walk, Jesus, really means. How it really and fully has the ability to transform my walk. Jesus I'm empty without your love. Clothe me with your grace, cuz I have nothing left.

Below is the meditation that sparked all this thought.

Twenty-Eighth Day
Saturday

Mark 15:22-23
And they brought him to the place called Golgotha (which means the place of a skull). And they offered him wine mingled with myrrh; but he did not take it.

As a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so Jesus has been silent. In Mark's account, he has revealed nothing of his private thought or his personal feeling since Gethsemane. He spoke a few words last night, and then again this morning; but these ere responses to his inquisitors. His spirit has been mute. The body is before us; the mind is hidden in mystery.
But now, finally, on Golgotha, comes a spontaneous gesture, and with it an insight into the spirit of the Savior. We see what he's been doing in the solitude of his interior self.
Jesus, stripped of his clothes, is lying on his back, his head and hands arranged on the patibulum, the crossbeam by which they will lift him bodily to a thick post for execution. His eyes are shut. The wood beneath his head might seem a pillow; but soldiers stand with spikes beside him. They make a rough motion, a sign of assent, as if to say, Now-but right now, or you miss the chance. Hurry!
So then a woman rushes over and kneels by the figure of Jesus and offers him a drink. She's performing a merciful ritual, not unusual among the Jews: "Give strong drink to the dying," commands the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs, "and wine to those in bitter distress; let them drink and remember their misery no more." The woman is seeking to ease the torment of the crucifixion. She's offering Jesus myrrh, a narcotic.
And here is the gesture, the revelation, the mind of the dying Christ:
He shakes his head. He will not drink from her cup. He will in no wise dull his senses or ease the pain.
And so we know. What are the feelings? What has the spirit of Jesus been doing since Gethsemane? Why, suffering. With a pure and willful consciousness, terribly sensitive to every thorn and cut and scornful slur: suffering. This he has chosen. This he is attending to with every never of his being-not for some perverted love of pain. He hates the pain. But for a supernal love of us, that pain might be transfigured, forever.
Or what has the Lord been doing since Gethsemane? Drinking. Not from the woman's narcotic cup, but from the cup the Father would not remove from him: drinking. Swallow by swallow, tasting the hell therein, not tossing it down in a hurry: "So that by the grace of God he might taste death for every one."
Or what has the Lamb been doing since Gethsemane? Bearing our griefs. Carrying our sorrows. By the stripes he is truly and intensely receiving, healing us all.

And yet it pleased the Lord to bruise you! He has put you to grief, O my Jesus; your soul was made an offering for my sin, but then behold: I am an offspring of your sacrifice. For by it, I am born again.
Amen

draw me close

2008-02-26T10:16:00.000-08:00

So last night i went with a friend from work to this meet up group where we discussed forgiveness. I loved the experience, and I long for more experiences like this. Sitting around the table in the tiny room at JJBean was such a diverse array of people. Like I said the subject was forgiveness and everyone had thoughts, questions, experiences that they came ready to share.

Now i've been in these sort of conversations before, but they've always been with Christians, or in Christian environments. And as I'm listening to everyone wrestle with what forgiveness is and what forgiveness expects... or does it expect anything, God wasn't mentioned once. But you know what, even in the mention of the word, I felt Him there. I felt him in the gentleman who couldn't get the words out of what happened to him, but the fact that he was considering forgiveness. I felt him in the girl who was nearly killed a couple of months ago by a man she was dating who was beginning to live again by forgiving. I felt him as the woman wrestled with not wanting to forgive, but hearing the hope and life that comes from it.
We all did an exercise where we read out loud something we had written to someone who had hurt us and we were working on forgiving. I talked about how my dad made me feel when he left and found a new family, i talked about how it made me doubt a lot of my childhood, and how it made me so insecure in all of and any of my relationships. I talked about cutting another one of the strings that binds me to him, I talked about forgiving even if he doesn't change, and taking back hope and living and loving and giving of myself to those I love and trust.

After we wrapped everything up the oldest gentleman in the room, probably in his mid-fifties- who had talked about how he had left his wife and children for something different and how he misses them and wishes he hadn't made that mistake, walked up to me. This very moment was one of the most beautiful things i've experienced here in Vancouver. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry". Oh Jesus, thank you for being there in this man. I think it was something he needed to say to his family, who i represented, and the exact thing i needed to hear from my dad, who he represented. He went on to say I deserve happiness and encouraged me to keep on this path of forgiveness.

I know this experience is something that will stay with me forever, I know God is using it in my life as i daily choose to forgive others. It brings me to tears how present He was there, how He held an alter call in my heart in this very secular conversation. I believe more than anything that last night each of us in that room were being drawn closer and closer to Him... without even saying His name. Oh Jesus, thank you.

Sept 7,2007

2007-09-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

Just last Friday Brian and I moved out of the house and into an apartment just down the street... the apartment complex is great, decked out with a pool, hot tub, sauna, gym... all that fun stuff. We're situated on the 15th floor with probably the most amazing view ever... we get to wake up and go to sleep to downtown burnaby on our left, downtown van in the middle and the beautiful mountains on the right... it's really incredible.

God's shown me that He's given us this apartment for to pray over the city... I'm excited to do that as a team in the near future.

As we did some unpacking this past week I've struggled with feeling homesick. I think its simply that the last time we had all this stuff out was in Estevan... I unpacked boxes I remember packing with Tiffany... unpack gifts that people sent with us, wedding presents, the church family blessed us with, it's just been emotional for me.

Also now that school has started up all over the city getting use to the buses and skytrain has to happen for me all over again... before sure it was a little packed, but sometimes i still got to sit down, didn't normally have to wait in line... and rarely ever couldn't fit on a bus or train... now every single day there's never a place to sit... but always people squished up against me to hold me up... haha, the lines are enormous, and i usually can't fit on the first bus/train that comes, and to top it off, i got off work at 4:30 and got home from work after 6:30 (when normally it takes me 1/2 hour to get there...) all that to say, I was missing 1st of all, having a car, and 2nd of all traffic jams of 4-6 cars.... heck i was even missing waiting at a train for 20 minutes. It just all sort of happened at once and my heart struggled with all that's so foreign and uncomfortable for me... but I'm so happy God knows me and he knows what I need and what I can handle... and He's stretching my heart.

Other than that work is going good... I really like the place I'm at - a cafe in the Vancouver General Hospital - it's always busy, my co-workers are fun and the days go by super fast... and I got to serve Eric McCormack the other day! For those of you who don't know who it is, he's Will from Will and Grace... for those of you who don't know what that is... it's ok... he's kinda famous, and it was really exciting... hehe...moving along....

I hope this doesn't get too long, but I also wanted to share kind of a continuation of my last blog, and a continuation of what God is doing in my heart...

This evening I read 1 John 1:5-7, it says: "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you; God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."

...if we walk in the light we can have fellowship with others... what does this mean? That our sin and impurity doesn't just affect me??? or even just my relationship between myself and others... it inhibits my relationship..."fellowship

" (ie: The condition of sharing similar interests, ideals, or experiences, as by reason of profession, religion, or nationality) with others... others that i'm committed to on this 'church plant', others i'm committed to in my family, in my workplace, in my life... believers and non-believers.. it simply puts a wall up between myself and any relationship.

I see how that's so real in my life. My darkness... the darkness that I allow in my life, my sin, my fear, my selfishness, it prevents me, it holds me back. It blinds me from communicating with Jesus honestly and wholly. I tend to hide or avoid real time with him, because I know He wants to call me out of the darkness that I've gotten so comfortable with... my eyes have adjusted to the dim, dark light, but I know and He knows it's still bad for them... it's blinding me.

It keeps me from pure and real relationship with people because I let my "god" which is my fear and pain (ugh) determine when I speak... or if I speak, when I give... or if I give. Everything becomes filtered through this grime... my heart and being becomes more and more clogged and closed...

It even keeps me from knowing myself... I let the darkness in my life define me, instead of the One who Created me...I let my darkness speak louder than my Jesus.

Where there is light, darkness cannot be. Lord let your light shine brighter... ugh! I say that as if there's something wrong with the light... Oh forgive me Lord, help me Lord to open the doors so that your light can shine more freely, no longer just under cracks of the doors but bust the doors down in my heart and mind so that the truth and the light can shine without apology into those dark places that I've let become "part of who I am"... let your light shine over those dark lies and may I be all that YOU'VE created me to be.

I pray that for all of us... here in Burnaby... out in Estevan and everywhere else. That we'd recognize where we've become accustomed to the darkness, but that our eyes would be opened up to where it's beginning to blind us in our relationships.

In the same area of scripture it also says:

"Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did."

"The man who says, 'I know him,' but does not do what he commands is a liar and the truth (light) is not in him."

and finally ending with my hope:
"The darkness is passing, and the true light is already shinning."
Thank you Jesus :)

This is way longer than planned... sorry! Thanks for reading.

11:41am Tuesday, Jul 17

2007-07-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

Psalm 22:1-7
"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" - and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

Well we've been here in Burnaby for about 9 days now and it's amazing the amount of emotion that flows through this body. From excitement, to wonderment, to fear, to doubt, to ease, to hopeful, to hopeless. And seriously I can't place my finger on just one at any given time.

Just as I've been sending out resumes, talking with managers a great deal of insecurity has been rising in me... it seems as though it never really goes away, just silences itself once in a while, but after being silenced it began to roar as I entered the city. There's so much to compare yourself to here, yet there's so much encouragement to be yourself, find your own style, say your own words, be an individual.

That's why this piece of scripture grabbed me as i was reading this morning, because i see in myself the truth and the longing that this expresses. "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away". I lose more and more of who I am when I let the sin of my insecurity own me, it causes me to shut my mouth, keep my eyes to the ground, don't make eye contact, don't let them know you're hurting, I curl my shoulders inward, cross my arms and hide behind my sunglasses. I keep myself full giftings, and full pain selfishly to myself, almost protecting both. Protecting what i hope to be real in my giftings and protecting what I know so familiarly as my pain.

But I long for the truth... I long to come to Jesus in my place of silence, as I waste away in my sin and own up to it... to bring the reality of my brokenness to the light and oh the freedom that will bring.

It says I will be covered in songs of deliverance, I will be protected from trouble and have Him be my hiding place. He who knows me fully. No longer will i have to hide myself from the world, no longer will i have to protect my gifts and my pain, what a burden to carry... but in His arms, in the hiding place where He dwells I am known fully.

My frame was not hidden from him when I was made in the secret place, when i was woven together in the depths of the earth, His eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in His book, before even one of them came to be! He knows me from beginning to end, there is nothing i can hide from him, he knows every thought, every tear, every fear, and every joy and yet with Him knowing EVERYTHING I am still safe and fully loved in His arms.

Oh Jesus help me live this, help me share this with a world that is so much like me...

02/03/2004 11:28 PM

2007-07-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

Encouragment..... it's powerful, and almost a necessity. To know that people believe in you and are cheering for you, it's vital. Being aware that we can't do it on our own. Letting others know we want the best for them. That they deserve the most. In Christianity it become fuel. In life it becomes fuel... let people know you care and don't be afraid to accept encouragment. It's tough because we all have this distorted image of ourselves that it's almost second nature to push it away, we think that we're underqualified to be loved. I want you guys to know that we need love and someone really loves you. Sure your friends love you, your family loves you and man that's powerful that's amazing, but God.... his love. Wow, "for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away." (song of songs 8:6,7) This feels quite all over the place but I'm guessing there are two things God wants me to get out.... encourage, and God loves........... encourage one another with God's love... that God loves. There it is.
Build one another up with God's word. With things God shows you that bring you out of the dirt and filth of the earth that we tend to get thrown down in.

For me I want to share with you guys a couple things.

Today in prayer with the team, God revealed to me a piece or paradise..... He was walking with me through this stone walkway, it was beautiful, and as we came out of it there was this huge body of water..... at this point it was just Jesus and I. The river/lake was sparkling, it had no bottom, but we could walk in it with no problem, it was surrounded by beautiful green grass, gorgeous flowers, just pure beauty. I walked into the water with my Lord and I began to shine. Light burst from my body and I was alive... now when i say alive, it's different than this alive that we all feel, it's the alive that we are living for the alive that we long for, it's the life that the Lord wants for each of us, it was wholeness "... and you will be given fulness in Christ" (Col. 2:10). I began to drink from this water and it was unlike anything, it brought me joy and happiness that could only be shown by this light that was bursting out of me, it was the only thing that could come from this joy.... As this was happening I began to see other people in the water with me, experiencing the same thing, dancing and spashing in this water of Life.. with joy. Real joy.

So yeah.... this last while has been really great, I've been happy, but God's just showing me what LIFE I have to look forward to, how much more it is, it says in His Word, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water i give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4) There's enough room for everyone in the river, and once you find it, there's no turning back, share this water of LIFE with others... what a joyful place. Find me in the river. Let the light be what comes of your joy.... people will fall into it, like bugs attracted to the fire

Another thing of encouragment that helps me along is through this Jason Upton song..... It's called Faith, it's a prophetic song... during one of his shows they just started playing and he began praying in song and this is what came of it... it's very powerful and speaks to my heart, I hope it touches yours as well...

Let faith arise oh Lord
Let faith arise.
In the deepest parts of my being oh Lord
In the most broken parts of me oh Lord
When friends have failed me Lord - let my faith arise
When loved ones have failed me oh Lord - let my faith arise
When heros have failed me Lord let my faith arise
I say no to the discouragment that keeps me down
I say no to the things that keep me back from You
And this broken heart inside of me, broken by so many circumstances - I say no to just letting it all stay that way
I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me
I'm learning to believe that it's not you that deserted me
I'm believing that You still love me - brokenness and all
I'm believing that You've got a plan for me
I'm believing that You will restore me
I believe that You will awaken my sould and let faith arise again.
I believe.
I believe like a little child again.
I'm gonna dance in my trust in You oh Lord
I'm gonna dance in my love for You oh Lord
I'm gonna laugh again
I'm gonna cry again
I'm gonna have joy - joy on the inside
When circumstances around me try to pull me down - I'm gonna believe in that faith again
You're my Creator
You're my Comfort
You're the one that will never desert me
So Daddy, I raise my hands up to You oh Lord
I dance with me feet and I say come and hold me
I'm learning to trust You with the faith of a child
I'm not gonna let those bullets come down and hurt me no more
I'm raising up the sheild of faith and the sword of the Lord
I believe in Your Word lord and I'm waiting on You - I'm waiting on You
I'm rejoicing in the fact that the Bible says that You are my victorious warrior
You're the one who fights for me
I don't have to fight anymore
My faith is rising
I can see You again Lord
I can see You on the horizon of my life Lord
I don't have to be discouraged anymore
I don't have to fight this lonliness anymore
Because You're in my life more than anyone could ever be
Father we're building a relationship again just me and You
It's not about the job I have
It's not about the friends I have
It's not about the house I have or the social status I have
It's about me and You
We're building a relationship again just me and You
You're building my faith up again

I feel like I could go on forever... i just might as well. I'd really appreciate it, if you're up to it, to share some encouragment here. Build one another up, lyrics that help you out when your struggling, a memory that reminds you of what you need to be focused on, a specific prayer, an answer to prayer, a poem, a story, straight up encouragment, don't let me put your encouragment in a box if you think of another way let it be. This isn't so we can all get big heads and think wow we're all wonderful.... it's so that we can understand maybe the power given to us by Jesus, and to perhaps be aware and able to acknowledge our gifts our strong points so that we may be able to glorify the kingdom.... not that we may increase but HE WILL INCREASE we may decrease.
Praise God

05/11/2003 10:34 PM

2007-07-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys how you all doing?
I really wanted to leave you all a quick message, my apologies for not getting back to everyone via email, but this is for all you guys, God really placed it on my heart last night and I figured why keep it to myself?
So I'm super tired and God decides to keep me up all night just swamping me with amazing visions for this year at LifeFORCE and for different people here, etc. It was great. One main thing he specifically showed me, was myself speaking infront of a gymnasium full of teenagers. Speaking on the love of God without actually saying God, but still the Holy Spirit convicting and doing more work that my words ever could. So God put specific words on my heart, and I'll try to get those out clearly.

Alright God was talking to me about mountain tops and valleys. that when we (not us but God) overcome trials and struggles they go underneath us, we win authority to stand upon them. The more struggles we overcome, the bigger the pile gets, the higher and closer to God we get. God told me the higher we get on our mountains the harder it is to fall. That storms will come, but that's just the circumstance not who we are. When the storm ends you'll still find yourself on the mountain, taking your stand on your past, and having an amazing view at what's ahead. Make sure not to rummage through the crap - that's yesterdays garbage. Now when we let our struggles get ahead of us and we get as low as possible, letting the things add up - making it harder and more impossible to get yourself out of that state - instead of living mountain top to mountain top you begin living one storm to the next, just scraping by.
Now I know some of you guys can totally relate to what I'm saying because i totally can. Even here on LifeFORCE i had the thought in my head that I constantly have to be struggling with something. (for me ie. bulimia, or unforgiveness or resentment with almost every male figure in my life).. things that i thought i dealt with, i was pretty positive i gave to God, and that i had victory over, something i had put underneath me, a struggle that got me closer and higher to God... but then when things kinda evened out, i figured i had to rummage through my junk again.... pulling some of it back up... out of fear that i'm not good enough to have just good, intimate quiet time with the Lord. You know what I've learned? I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy to be in the same room as the Lord, but he makes the decisions, and he wants me. He longs for me. In times when i'm too stubborn to sing love songs to my SAVIOR he sings them to me the SINNER. It's amazing. No matter what state your in he still looks at you the same... even when your as low as you can get, just dripping in mud.

What a concept huh? Definitly basics, but it still blows my mind. I pray that you're all at a place where you can accept this, not in a proud way, but in a way that humbles you, in a way that it sounds like you heard it for the first time. Let it blow you away. You guys are so great. So stinking great. I still read up on the boards here, sorry i don't post as much haha.... i'm sure you all miss my nonsense or i'm sure some of you don't even know who i am haha... so instead of reading this long, message from Meryl, take it from God...

Have a great weekend guys, I'd love to hear from you all.
And for those going to Regina Retreat, we pray saftey over your travels there, and that a legion of angels will hover over each and everyone of you. That you may be eternally inspired and your faith will be stretched reach a new level. God bless you all

12/10/2003 7:41 PM

2007-07-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

Okay so while I was driving home from Estevan after church today God began talking to me. Which was nice. Always. I wish i had a little tape recorder in the car at the time because this conversation i had with God was transforming. It's always comforting to know that something that goes on between only you and God can hold such a high importance in your life.... just as high as times that it was encouraged like at camps, youth rally's, even SI.

So God said to me, "Meryl, what do you miss in your life? What do you want more of?" Immediatly things went running through my head, first purity, then innocence, truth, love, understanding, ambition, desire, integrity, faith, hope, focus, selflessness... etc, etc.

Following that God said which one do you want the most... and this is what he showed me that was so important: Truth. When you accept the truth and believe it with everything in you, all of those things fall into line... God loves us all even if we don't know or completely understand the truth, but we can begin to UNDERSTAND the fullness of that LOVE, which leads to FOCUS, SELFLESSNESS, AMBITION, DESIRE, INTEGRITY, FAITH, HOPE and so on when we indulge in the truth.

Even now as I'm writing this I'm realizing the importance of the book of hope that God has given us. Where he shows us his heart, he lays himself down, for us to know so intimatly.... the Bible.

Where there's truth there's freedom.

So i just wanna encourage hardcore Bible reading, staying consistant with devotions (i need to take my own advice). Even as we get more into the Word, talk to God. He loves his people, he loves to talk to his people... He reveals truth to people by his own words, like he did to me today... Ask him for that... Expect that from Him. He is good!

19/08/2003 4:28 PM

2007-07-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,
This year at Street Invaders God got ahold of me and told me some pretty important things. I'm gonna share 'em with you guys, because I don't want to be selfish with what God is saying to me, because he might want you to hear it too, so listen up. And please please please share what he's been saying to you, i know i'd love to hear it as well as others would too. This is what he's saying to me:

You are loved by me despite everything about you. I made you - trust me with what I've done in you - with what i'll do with you you and with what i'm doing with you... i'll do a complete work. Everything is taken care of. Every miniscule detail. I won't leave you so trust where I take you. I take care of the birds of the air, aren't you more important than they? Trust that the people I bring to you are there for a reason - to teach you, to show you. They are to carry out my will in your life. Justas you are for others - so be obedient my faithful servant. But most of all trust me. I'll hold you. I'll never let you go. I'm protective over you like a mother to her newborn. Trust in me - I am your Father.

Trust me with the little things and I'll how you the big. have faith when I tell you of smaller things and I'll reveal to you the deep desires you have yet to dream. I'll fullfill you beyond what you could everexpect. Love me with your all and you will be able to capture a portion of what I feel for you. When you seek me you become like me. My love for you will become as your love for me. Strive for that. Make that your goal. It will grow to be as true, as promising, as unfailing as mine. I will be your one true love.
*now I know to love like God is impossible - but if it's so great, why not at least attempt to grasp it? What is there to lose?*

You're safe with me. There's no use hiding or running from me. I'm the only one you can find complete comfrot. Others may try to fill that position - they will fail, and yet i will still love them. I'm the only one who can successfully and eternally fill that void. I'm never too busy for you. Your problems are never too small or insignificant. You are my materpiece. You are my everything. You bring me so much joy. Let me do the same for you. I'm perfect - loving you who sin. My child love me. I'll never let you down. Just let me love you - let your heart become like mine. You will break over the things I break for. My heart will become like yours and your love for me will be unyielding like mine is for you. We'll laugh over the same things, our hearts will become one. That's my purpose- that's my desire. I will draw you to people and places and they will be shaken because when someone has a love as strong as ours together - nothing can escape it, nothing can deny it. Live by my love - it's because of you and my love for you in which i live.

In order to be fullfilled by our earthly desires our only choice is to be willing to sacrifice ourselves to that desire. When we desire superficial things we look for life out of that but in the end it takes life from us, it results in costing us our lives and leavingus empty, along with dead. (be it spiritually, emotionally and even physically.) This happens as we stare blankly into the powerful, broken eyes of Jesus Christ as he hung on the cross and took our place. You can't pick a flower that has already been picked right? Why try? Jesus already died for us, yet we still make the choie to nail ourselves up on our own crosses out of pride, fear, hate, doubt, etc. The ultimate sacrifece was already made for us - why put yourself through all the unnecessary torture?

So i'll give everyone a break now. those are just some things that God has spoken to me over the last few weeks.

now i'll just leave you with an encouraging verse that i think is an important reminder to keep at heart while we've all entered back into reality:

see to it that you make everything according to the pattern shown to you on the mountain

Hebrews 8:5

God bless you all.

15/06/2003

2007-07-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

esus answered them, "It’s not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

Luke 5:31-32

Jesus answered the Pharisees question to why he would eat and drink with horrible people like tax collectors and sinners with an answer that I want to live by. I know that I don’t do the calling or the saving, but I believe that with God I can be part in sending people in the right direction. How often do we separate ourselves from people who don’t believe in the same thing as us... I do it all the time. I avoid them - sometimes out of fear that I might be corrupted; that I might "fall in" or maybe even deep down I’m afraid of my faith actually being put to the test. "There is no fear in love." "God is love"...

That annoying ringing that was talked about last SK Bootcamp Commissioning Service seem to become so stinkin normal after so long, Satan desensitizes us. Drains us of all emotion and makes that high pitched ring a normality. We slowly become accustomed to our surroundings with a mind set that says this is how their life is supposed to be - this is how these people WANT to live.

The truth is: they know NO DIFFERENT... and we're accepting that by letting Satan plug our ears, cover our eyes and fill our minds with other plaguelike distractions that make us just as or even more vulnerable as those who are lost.

These people do not have a truth in their life or a foundation that will hold them up. Sure our knees get weak at times and we collapse but our foundations is firm and rock solid, ready to support all our weight through all our stumbling. Their little block that they stand on can’t handle a quarter of what teenagers come across. Even before they get tired of standing their foundation begins to crumble. It gives out before they do. That’s why all the kids involved with drugs, alcohol and sex seem to fool so many into thinking they are happy, including themselves. They’ve yet to take the beating because their foundation is the first to give out, which results in their suffering and pain. That thin crumbling rock beneath them - it shows them momentary happiness. It gives them something they feel they can depend on - truth is - it’s a good faker, it’s letting them down through all of the wasted nights, all of the moments of bliss.... But no matter of how tired we get of hearing the drunken stories, or being the shoulder a friend cries on after making a fool of themselves God is ALWAYS there for them. Even if they don't know it. He's waiting, and although God doesn't expect anything back from us, we owe it to Him to tell those who are lost about Him.

So many of us have been there, we’ve been that person, and look how far we’ve been brought. Nothing is too big for God - we all know that - let’s live by it now! Act in faith - dance on our foundation because of Him - emit a glow - a Jesus glow that the people who are slowly slipping through the cracks of their foundation can see.... then seek.

Keep in the word - that is the biggest repellent from Satan sneaking a black cloth around your eyes and plugs in your ears. The more time you spend with a person the more you pick up on their characteristics and traits. Show the world what they unknowingly need to see - "all things are possible through Him who strengthens me."

08/05/2003 6:50 PM

2007-07-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

I feel like I wanna write something right now.... I have no idea what I'm gonna write, but I'm gonna pray God into this conversation. That maybe he might stir up some hearts through what he has to say.

Freedom. Last night I was at this worship service in Estevan and in the middle of worship a guy started to talk. He was saying 'if you were really free, what would you do.' and it totally paralleled what P.J. talked about later on in the service. He spoke on pregnancy. How we're all called to be pregnant. Men, women, children, elders. We're all called to aknowledge the seed that he has planted in us. How we need to realize our own potential in God. And the life changing results that can bring when you let that seed grow, and give it proper nourishment. How Satan can bring a cockiness about ourselves that leads to a premature birth. An unhealthy, unprepared birth. Or Satan can bring the doubt in ourselves to abort the seed. To follow through knowing what you're getting into, but once realizing the consequences and the responsibility that comes along with the birth. So we doubt and we abort what God has growing inside of us. We ignore the call..... the sheer truth that with Him all things are possible.

Now i hope you all know i'm usning an analogy here hehe.... but I want to be pregnant. I want to have this seed grow inside of me, and fill me with the excitement of something big... something worth the sometimes unbearable pain, something that will affect others as it has affected me.

So what does this have to do with freedom.

EVERYTHING!

We have to allow God to free us COMPLETELY so we can let this seed grow inside of us without defect or fault. We have to endure the pain it brings and not let it conquer us. Ah that's pretty hard, I know. Sometimes it feels like the entire world and everything in it, hah, even God is out to get you... want's to teach you a lesson. and sure it may FEEL that way, and everything might not be going your way, and it might be that way for a long time. But God heals, God loves, God provides, God speaks, God listens, God cares, God keeps, God equips, God supports, God Holds Every One of US in the palm of his hand.

It seems to be so easy to get discouraged these days. (lol these days... sounds like i'm about 85) but seriously - we get discouraged and we feel let down at the drop of a dime. I know i get so jealous of all of my friends who have a youth group that prays and a church that seeks and people that can challenge them and help expand their ideas, and share spiritual experiences and encourages one another to seek that..... and i get discouraged because I get outta Yellow Grass once or twice a week to seek God.... sick i know, that's garbage... it doesn't matter who you are and where you are for you to be able to seek God! I've actually found since I've been going to this service in estevan every week that I find it easier and more honest when I worship and seek God alone in my room. Not when there are fifty other people in the room with the same desire. Sure that's so encouraging and its such a praise song to God when his children are smiling and crying and praying and really consecrating themselves for him, but God uses you where he has you. He really does provide no matter the situation. I'm finding that more and more lately.

It's kinda stressful not knowing a lot of things. But in freedom it's comforting to know it's taken care of. I have a tough time with freedom, only because I make it hard for myself. Although I know all about it, I choose not to act on the grace by which we are set free to the full extent that it can be expereinced. It's like i see the best looking food in the entire world and I just take on little bite, and it satisfies me for about 4.7 seconds, but then i just stare at it and let the drool drip down my face, and let the hunger pains taunt me. (alright yes, i suck at analogies) I know what i can have i just for some reason like to tease myself.

It's all about decisions. God blessed us with a freedom in this country, in His Love. Imagine the birth we can see happening in our towns if we truly claim freedom with every ounce of strength in us. Imagine the manifestation of the Holy Spirit. Imagine that being revealed in our lives, in the lives around us. Imagine the truth, the love, the hope, the lives saved, the hearts recommitted, if just one person dared to accept the seed. Dared to listen to God's voice.

It's already in you.

that heartbeat's in you.... we all have God in our hearts, we're all Christians here.... but Dare to let that grow. Go a step above all expectations, break the boundries that have previously been set out for you. If one person allows their womb to be stretched, their live to go through major changes that are going to be brutal... the pay off...... Imagine. God's glory to its full extent. Imagine. I know we're told that we'll never be able to grasp the love of God, but if it's so great.... why not seek it more! Expect big things. IMAGINE!!!

30/03/2003 7:21 PM

2007-07-27T20:55:00.002-07:00

Things have been extremely hard for me throughout the last few weeks. What it has all boiled down to as of last Friday - my dad's moving out. It's not really a big shock, I saw it coming ever since we lost out house in the fire it's been coming.... Last thursday at about 2 in the morning i was woken up by screaming and fighting and things being thrown. I was so scared, i thought I was dreaming at first. After a few hours of that my dad came into my room and told me to make the decision if he should leave or stay... and well I flipped out. I didn't let him off that easy.... I didn't make his decision for him, but I'm sure i affected it.... I told him we'd be better off without him, and that he's immature, and that I know he's wanted to leave for so long, he's just trying to find ways and excuses not to do it all on his own. And that he shouldn't feel like a big tough guy for making my mom cry and all that stuff.... i probably said things I shouldn't have, but I just exploded.

So today he's here with a big trailor moving all of his things out. I feel so helpless, and just feel like saying, "I don't know what to do." But in actuallity I do know what to do, I do know that God's here through every minute of this. I know i shouldn't worry about my future.... which what I thought was going to be FGBI, but now the money is not going to be there.......... so I'm back to square one... I have no idea what is gonna happen next fall..... not even a hint of an idea. It's so hard when something you think is so solid and so set in stone gets washed away.

Honestly, deep down I want to get so mad at God for doing this to me, for letting my first dad die, for letting me deal with 10 years of insecurity, for letting my house burn down, for letting my new dad leave, for letting my mom's heart break, for letting my dreams for my future dissolve.... but i know that that's so completely selfish, and I know that I got through all of those things, and I know that through this I'm gonna become even stronger. This time is the time when I realize who I am to God and who he is to me. I am his child and he is my Father, who will never leave me who will never give up on me. He's so conistant. And I can't give up on Him.... Job never did.. and EVERYTHING was taken away from him... He's all I have. Just because all that crappy stuff happened in my life the good stuff still over powers it. By far. Like I found Jesus.... I overcame the insecurity, I made friends who have changed my life, I found a guy that has affected me now and will forever, I have hope.... without that I'm nothing. It's through him that I can love and that I am loved, which is the source of my life - God is love - 1 John 4:16.

I guess I'm sharing this with you all not so that you can feel sorry for me because honestly I'm gonna be fine.... but to show you all that God is in control! It's hard to see, but it's soooooo true. Try for one second to imagine your life without him.... It's so hard, I can't even bring myself to that place and know that I will never have to because of his dedication to his children. Amazing...

I really want to encourage all of you guys to seek an honest, open prayer life with God. And remember God isn't a God that delights in taking things away from you, but rejoices with the truth and loves blessing you. It's all a learning process. Be a student. Listen. So many people have been encouraging with words such as those, and I thank you all tons, you know who you are. And without being reminded of those words and without those of you who have been praying I would still be at the helpless stage. I wouldn't be at this point right now if it weren't for your constant devotion to seeing God change lives. Cuz he's doing such a work in me! I'm saying forget about being afraid of the crazy situations you get thrown into, Be excited!!!!

Please just keep the money situation and next fall and how this is gonna affect my mom and brother in prayer, that means a ton!

God's all over it guys! No matter what the situation big or small.

Meryl

22/09/2002 3:38 PM

2007-07-27T20:55:00.001-07:00

Hey Guys,
The Bible's a huge part in all of our lives, how aboot we share different passages that have spoken to us/ effected us or motivated us in someway... u never know how it might effect someone else who hasn't read it yet!

Isaiah 41:10- I read it like 4 days after accepting Christ into my heart

Psalm 34:4-7

That's all i got for now, i've gotta go to work.
Love ya'll!
Mer Da Squir (hehe)

First Previous 2-15 of 15 Next Last

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Message 2 of 15 in Discussion

From: Janey Bell

Sent: 22/09/2002 4:07 PM

Well I've been struggling at skool coz well i hate it and get really lazy and dont do the work...so ive been trying to apply Colossians 3:23 to my skool work and also my life in general. Its tough coz i still hate skool but im trying to do all the work for God.Easy said than done tho right?
Hope this wee verse helps someone out there
Love u all
Jane

Oh and i lk Jeremiah 29:11 its a well known one but it was the very first bible verse i read.

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Message 3 of 15 in Discussion

From: James_Unfinished

Sent: 23/09/2002 12:48 AM

Here are some passages that have been profound to me:

Genesis 32:22-32
Exodus 20:1 -21
1 Kings 3:16-28
1 Kings 17-18
Job 38-41
Hosea 1-3
Luke 18:1-8
John 1:1-18, 8
Acts 2
Romans 8
Philippians - all of it.
James 1, 4
1 John - all of it.

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Delete Message 4 of 15 in Discussion

From: Merrily_McMuffin

Sent: 03/10/2002 7:25 PM

So I was checking up on the book of 1 John today in English class, just seeing if anything new would jump out at me... and well thought I'd share:

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

1 John 3:18

Noone has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
1 John 4:12

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear....

1 John 4:18

.......God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.

1 John 1:5

Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and you because the darkness is passing and the true light is already shining.

1 John 1:8 (i think i already wrote this one somewhere on here)

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Message 5 of 15 in Discussion

From: Nichole

Sent: 03/10/2002 10:07 PM

Here's some of my faves:

Isaiah 61

Psalm 144

Psalm 42

Psalm 103

1 Corinthians 13 4-8

Song of Songs 8 4:

Recommend

Message 6 of 15 in Discussion

From: Pamela-aka-Macerena

Sent: 03/10/2002 10:58 PM

Hey guys, here are some of my favorites:

Eccliastes 3:1...This is sad but I don't even know if I spelled that right!!

Phillipians 4:8

Hebrews 11:1...Is that the chapter on faith? Well, ya know.

Something in Isaiah

Sorry giys this is horrible but I don't know the references for a lot of my favorites...:$...I have them bookmarked in my bible...I'll get back to you. Lol.

Pam

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Message 7 of 15 in Discussion

From: Ashley-Bakke

Sent: 20/10/2002 7:40 PM

1 John 5:4-5 (NLT) For every child of God defeats this evil world by
trusting Christ to give the victory. And the ones who win this battle
against the world are the ones who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.

I read this one today and it really spoke to me about trusting God in each and every situation in my life. Not just the ones that I feel like giving to Him, but also ones that I don't feel like giving to Him.

In Christ

Ashley

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Delete Message 8 of 15 in Discussion

From: Merrily_McMuffin

Sent: 26/10/2002 9:37 AM

I was reading the book of Hebrews last nite, cuz well darrell says we must or we die.... and oh wow, you all must check it out... I guess i half heartedly have already read it because there is a ton of stuff highlighted and notes on the side, but so far Hebrews 2:18 i think it was jumped out at me and almost brough out the waterworks.. it's so true and God's done it for so many of us..... everyone check it out, i would write out the whole thing but i gotta get going to vball. have a good day

Meryl

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Message 9 of 15 in Discussion

From: -Deli-ah-

Sent: 02/03/2003 3:20 PM

There is this one portion of scripture I have been reading for the past couple days, I have read it over and over. And even briefly broke it down in my journal. It is so amazing to me. Romans 8:28-39. It's really cool, because It goes through why we are valuable. That God knew us before we were born, not only that, but he called us, not only that, but made us right and pure, and not even that, but sat us at His righteous right hand. Paul explains how precious we are, why He chose to love us, and how God is bigger then all our circumstances. And as you all know it goes on to say how there is nothing that has ever been in creation that can tear us from His loving arms. Even all our fears, worries, and things that we feel overcome us, God conquered that with His love. His love is that powerful, so with that, we need to KNOW HIM, that is our goal, and walk with the burden for people, and through Gods love bring Victory, and Freedom. I am kind of rambling now guys, but read this portion, and I challenge you (as well as myself) to take a perspective on it as who God sees us as, and what role we have in furthering His kingdom.

As a personal testimony, I am one person, if you know me, I am very hard on myself, and Gods love isnt something I grasp very well at all. I totally dont have the view on myself as God sees me, but this passage was another eye opener, and just a glimps of how God sees me and You! .....More than Conquerors...... Hmm, I think we should take hold of that, and let God bring freedom in our lives. Stop holding on to those feelings of insignificance, and believe that God has you in His hands, and He loves you. One thing my youth pastor said to us once is that even with all the baggage we carry, God can still use us, and He still loves us! Dont let the enemy tear you down with His lies, but stand in authority, and tell him to bug off- hee hee.

I love you guys very much and am very greatful He brought several of you in my life. Take care

Delia

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Delete Message 10 of 15 in Discussion

From: Merrily_McMuffin

Sent: 04/03/2003 8:23 AM

sweet. thank you so much for that Delia. What you said is totally where I've been at this last little while and have been overcoming that lately... it's great to know that I'm not alone in this, thank you so much for sharing. You're great girl God's really in you and doing a work in your life, it's encouraging to know you.

Thank you Jesus for the friendships made through out the different teams and bootcamps of Street Invaders. The fact that you keep us in eachother's presence is so great and encouraging. I pray that you keep us in eachother's path to help one another out and hold each other accountable. I also pray that you'll keep our heart's open and honest to one another and give us courage to show a caring and loving heart that will be positive in each of our walks with you. The friendships made are definitly due to your love and grace. It's from your love Lord that we can love eachother.... keep it coming God. Amen

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Delete Message 11 of 15 in Discussion

From: Merrily_McMuffin

Sent: 04/03/2003 4:34 PM

Proverbs 28:13
“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

Yeah i think that is really important..... we need to talk about what's going down with ourselves. When we do that a huge weight is lifted off of our shoulders, it's great. God's forgivness is like a stampede.... haha i dunno- it's the first thing that came to my head... but yeah, you can't stop it, it's inevitable. Don't ever think that something is too big for him to forgive or that you've messed up too many times and that he gets sick of you coming back with the same problem. He never gets sick of you, he's your biggest fan - oddly enough. Even though we owe our all to him, He'd still give us everything we ask for and he blesses us through so much and carries us when were even a million pounds heavier due to our bondages.... he'll never get sick of us. Don't be held in bondage anymore, share - the prayer of a righteous man is sooo effective!
Word.

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Message 12 of 15 in Discussion

From: Nathan Wieler

Sent: 05/03/2003 11:15 PM

Psalms 37:4

"delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

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Delete Message 13 of 15 in Discussion

From: Merrily_McMuffin

Sent: 13/03/2003 3:49 PM

Wherever you hear the sound of the trumpet, join us there. Our God will fight for us!"

Nehemiah 4:20

..... But I prayed "now strenghten my hands."

Nehemiah 6:9

Ezra opened the book. All the people could see him because he was standing above them; and as he opened it, the people all stood up. Ezra praised the Lord, the great God; and all the people lifted their hands and responded. "Amen! Amen!" Then they bowed down and worshiped the Lord with their faces to the ground.

Nehemiah 8:5,6

They stood where they were and read from the Book of the Law of the Lord their God for a quarter of the day, and spent another quarter in confession and in worshipping the Lord their God.

Nehemiah 9:3

So you handed them over to their enemies who oppressed them. But when they were oppressed they cried out to you. From heaven you heard them, nad in your great compassion you gave them delievers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies. But as soon as they were at rest, they again did what was evil in your sight. Then you abandoned them to the hand of their enemies so that they ruled over them. And when they cried out to you again, you heard from heaven and in your compassion you delievered them time after time.

Nehemiah 9:27, 28

Seriously read this book!

Recommend

Message 14 of 15 in Discussion

From: Nichole

Sent: 13/03/2003 9:09 PM

Wow, we can still post on this

2 Timothy 2:22-24 Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguements, because you know they produce quarrels, and the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead he must be kind to everyone, able to teach and not resentful.

2 Timothy 2:16 Avoid godless chatter because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly

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Delete Message 15 of 15 in Discussion

From: Merrily_McMuffin

Sent: 17/03/2003 3:00 PM

But he said, "I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent."
Luke 4:43

11/03/2003 1:38 PM

2007-07-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

alright guys, I know I’m not doing the internet stuff right now but God really put this on my heart last night and I wanted to share it. Sometimes I feel that by posting some of this stuff I’m doing it to benefit myself and make myself sound like a ‘better Christian’. But this is from my heart you guys, and God’s in my heart, he wants to remind you of this. These aren’t words from me, but from Him To me... and you. Take care, talk to you all in a few days

Jesus answered them, "It’s not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

Luke 5:31-32

We need to be reminded of the ringing in our ears once in a while and this verse did it for me. That annoying ringing seems to become normal after so long, Satan desensitizes us. Drains us of all emotion and makes that high pitched ring a normality. We slowly become accustomed to our surroundings with a mind set that says this is how their life is supposed to be - this is how these people WANT to live.

The truth is guys: they know NO DIFFERENCE because we’re letting Satan plug our ears, cover our eyes and fill our minds with other plaguelike distractions that make us just as or even more vulnerable as those who are lost. We need to fight with our all to keep the blindfolds off, the ear plugs out and our minds set aside for only Him! No wait.... WE don’t have to fight with our all we have to let our All fight. He’ll take care of it.

These people do not have a truth in their life or a foundation that will hold them up. Sure our knees get weak at times and we collapse but our foundations is firm and rock solid, ready to support all our weight through all our stumbling. Their little block that they stand on can’t handle everything teenagers come across, even before they get tired of standing their foundation begins to crumble. It gives out before they do. That’s why all the kids involved with drugs, alcohol and sex seem to fool so many into thinking they are happy, including themselves. They’ve yet to take the beating because their lifestyle is handling it all... in a sense. That thin crumbling rock beneath them - it shows them momentary happiness. It gives them something they feel they can depend on - truth is - it’s a good faker, it’s letting them down through all of the wasted nights, all of the moments of bliss.... Good news is that God never gives up. No matter of how tired we get of hearing the drunken stories, or being the shoulder a friend cries on after making a fool of themselves God is ALWAYS there for them. So many of us have been there, we’ve been that person, and look how far we’ve been brought. Nothing is too big for God - we all know that - let’s live by it now! Act in faith - dance on our foundation because of Him - emit a glow - a Jesus glow that the people who are slowly slipping through the cracks of their foundation can see.... then seek.

*Actions say more than words*

2007-07-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

Historian Philip Schaff described the overwhelming influence which Jesus had on subsequent history and culture of the world.

"This Jesus of Nazareth, without money and arms, conquered more millions than Alexander, Caesar, Mohammed and Napoleon; without science... he shed more light on things human and divine than all philosophers and scholars combined; without the eloquence of schools, he spoke such words of life as were never spoken before or since, and produced effects which lie beyond the reach of orator or poet; without writing a single line, he set more pens in motion, and furnished themes for more sermons, orations, discussions, learned volumes, works of art, and songs of praise than the whole army of great men of ancient and modern times."

06/01/2003 10:55 PM

2007-07-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

How It Should Be....

I speak his name with a twinkle in my eye. I hear others as they say his name and my stomach dances with excitement. My mouth flows with stories of his days past, present and future. I crave to be with him, even if it's just to be in seeing distance of his beautiful robe. I answer questions from my peers abou thim with knowledge, strength, stability, honesty, boldness, and with love. I speak like I'm the luckiest person to know him and to have him in my life. I show others hope that there is that perfection that we long to come across because somehow I seem to have come across it. I bring him up in every conversation anyway possible. I go to sleep thinking about him, and i wake up living for him. he inspires me to do better. He gets me thinking about things that never would have crossed my mind if he wasn't in my life. I don't know what I'd do without him. I love him.

-what a feeling huh? It's craazy because for everyone who knows me this is my longing, my desire..... i think all of ours. To have this perfect relationship. But rather at times, I find myself feeling like this:

How Can Be Too Often....

I speak his name with a stirring in my heart hoping i won't offentd anyone. I hear others talk about him as my stomach twists in knots contemplating whether i should join or not. My mouth rarely speaks of the wonders he has done in the past, is doing in the present and is going to do in the future. I answer questions from my peers about him with discomfort, fear of saying something wrong, the feeling that I, myself personally has to come up with the right answer, i take that role on and feel like a failure knowing where the real answers are found. I speak of the cool thing's he has done for me yet I worry about who's in the room while I'm sharing. I sith back and let others speak in perversity, anger, hatred, disrespect, filth when His name desperatly needs to be mentioned. I fall asleep with a brief one ended conversation with him and wake up needing him mrore but being too stubborn to ask. He wants to inspire me but the walls I put up tend to get in the way most of the time.... all the time. He puts so many great ideas on my mind and fills my head with so many thoughts that just seem so far above me taht I don't even attempt to figure them out. He makes it so complicating sometimes. Yet I still cry out to him.... maybe I'm making it more complicating than I have to.... I love him.

It seems like I've got my priorities a bit messed up. I want these things to be the way they're meant to be. I want to speaak truth when I say the first description is 100% my feelings toward God and the situations he brings to me. Things are going to change. The strange looks I'll get won't matter in the long run. the fact that I was bold and suffered for the joy of the Lord is what matters.

Seeing as how it's a new year I want to get my priorities straight, I dunno what you guys feel like, anyone with me???

19/09/2002 6:14 PM

2007-07-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

Aight Guys, I've got a little something to say.. again. If these long things are getting annoying or anything plz just tell me... i just get a bit excited when God shows me cool stuff in Scripture like this.... and i just can't keep it to myself... anyways... here i.. here i.. here i go!!! hehe
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into his grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his won love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:1-8
~How wonderful is this piece of scripture??? The minute I finished talking to Felipe last night Romans 1:20 came to my mind - "without excuse" right? Well i just kept on reading and came across this.... wow i still can't get over it! It says "we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that sufferings produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us...." I know this verse doesn't just hit home with me which is why i wanted EVERYONE to read it. Those who are struggling at the moment, those who have overcome whatever was their reason for suffering or even to those who's life is just peachy right now. - it's important for all of us to know. Although for those of you that are struggling right now whatever you're going through might seem like Hell... it's gonna be okay. Just think of your highest time in Christ - remember how much he was there in you life... in your heart. Remember how you asked for Him to meet with you and BAM right away He was there just soaking you with His presence. Then after remembering all of that - don't dwell on the past - make it the present! Remember for some reason this guy loves you so much that He's constantly sitting on the edge of His seat waiting for you to call him or just wating for you to notice how much he's done for you. This guy who's the coolest guys in the entire world - everyone wants to know him, and those who don't are completely lost - He's absolutly crazy about you!!! It's just so awesome I've gotta keep telling myself this and it's still hard to understand. Kay, going back to Romans 5:1-8... now for those who have overcome you suffering (i'm in this category... 1 month and 21 days of pure God... no suffering for me!!) I feel it's our job to help those who are struggling - those who are finding it hard to seek God with their entire heart. I know we don't have it all together yet, but we've gained perseverance, character, and hope through our sufferings and those are three things things that are a necessaty at a time like that. But also don't get lost in other people's sufferings that you may lose what God has done in you... because yeah you're gonna be feeling their pain.. God's gonna break your heart for these people that are practically mirroring your past... Keep your sight on the prize! It also says this while trying to define his unexplainable love: ".....when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.....-God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." That's incredible.... To me that sounds like a really risky sacrifice that God made. To send your only son to die for all these people who might hate him and just curse God... But God knew it was gonna be worth it.... and man was it ever!!!!!

Sorry once again for making this a bit long.... but the scripture makes it look long! And thank you so much for letting me ramble on, you guys are all such a blessing to me, and I just wanted you all to know that i'm a living example of this piece of scripture as i'm sure a lot of you all are too... never keep what God's saying to you inside... you never know who he might want to hear what he's said to you. Love you all to bits and pieces
Meryl

04/09/2002 7:47 PM

2007-07-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

He said to me, "Son of man, stand up on your feet and I will speak to you. " As he spoke, the Spirit came into me and raised me to my feet, and I heard him speaking to me. He said: "Son of man, I am sending you to the Israelites, to a rebellious nation that has rebelled against me; they and their fathers have been in revold against me to this very day. The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn. Say to then, ' This is what the Sovreign Lord says.' And whether they listen or fail to listen - for they are a rebellious house - they will know that a prophet has been among them. And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them or their words. Do not be afraid though briers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions. Do not be afraid of what they say or terrified by them, though they are a rebellious house. You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are all rebellious. But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you."

God brought me back to the Old Testement a few nights ago to the Book of Ezekiel. As I flipped to it a few nights ago, these words popped out at me and God showed me something that I feel that we all really need to be reminded of. I'm sorry if this gets a bit lengthy but just listen to what God says to you.

As i read through these few verses God showed me the parallel of Israel to my town (the rebellious nation.) I'm not originally from Yellow Grass, God brought me here to share his word with the rebellious people whether they listen or fail to listen. God gave every single one of us a challenge in our own towns/cities. We are all not originally from what we call home, we come from a higher place. He brought each of us to a specific place to share His word. One place may be the ultimate "rebellious nation" but God wouldn't have put you there if He didn't think you could do His work there. Even though there are those who are stubborn or refuse to listen (the scorpions) it is just as important to pray for and plant a seed in those people as in those who are willing. Don't say you can't - God knows you can. Just concentrate on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative. Be an example - sharing Jesus isn't all talking it's actions too - which is just as important. Go out with ringing ears, dont' ever forget the pipe! Seek the Lord and know His power. He'll show you, there's not doubt that he'll show you. When you know His power, you'll know boldness, love, comfort, no shame, and no fear... Don't fear humans, they all NEED to know about Jesus. Don't be selfish and hold all this love and security to yourself. His love was meant for everyone in the world! Those who are willing to accept it and even to those who aren't. Don't fear them or fear sharing Jesus with them for they are as needy and helpless as someone trapped under water... or hey, trapped in a mineshaft. Be bold, God has sent us to these cities/towns to bring revival. Nothing is too big for those with the heart of the Lord.

Guys, just keep Larry's sermon on your heart. We owe it to the Lord to spread His word. Look at all that He's done for us. Our towns/cities need to know this acceptance more than anything! Use your life as an example - think back to when before you had the Lord in your heart. Remember how stubborn and hurting you were. With what you know now about this amazing love now think of how much you needed Jesus and of what he's done for you after finding him. Think of the people in your schools/towns/cities who have yet to find Jesus. Think of them as the people who have inspired you with you walk with Jesus but before they have found Him. (if that makes any sense) You don't want them to hurt you know that in the future they're gonna inspire so many and affect so many by doing God's work. Just think and BELIEVE everyone has a future in Christ and don't hold back or deprive them of finding the right path. Speak God's word in your city, be obedient, know that God is love and it will become easier to do everyday. The more time you spend with someone the more you become like them. Seek the heart of the Lord constantly - do what He's called you to do.

I know that it's a lot harder to do than it sounds... believe me i know!! But just seek the Lord more and more everyday and it will become more normal.... There's no reason for us to be hurting, cuz when you seek Him with all your heart, you'll find that He's been there all along waiting for you. It's seek, not hide and seek! hehe clever i know!

Love you guys so much,

Meryl (sorry for rambling on so long!)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

2007-07-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

No Compromise

Today (well not just today, pretty sure things have been leading up to this) I’ve been struck by the way we choose to live as Christians. Our consistent choices to compromise ourselves is overwhelming. This isn’t an attack against anyone, it is an observation – not just on the people around me, but on myself as well. I’ve noticed how we as Christians have become fascinated with this world. Not in a “I’ll intentionally get to know it so that I might change it” kind of way, but in a way that makes it confusing to point out the Christians from those who have yet to meet Jesus.

I see Christians promoting music like Promiscuous by Nelly Fertado, I see them lined up for movies like Saw or American Pie, I see them rushing to buy albums by Christina Agulaira or Paris Hilton. And my heart aches because I too am among those compromising who I was created to be just to “fit in” or to “belong”. But above my own personal convictions that may never change the people around me, I feel the intensity of the heart of God. The realness of the old testament when nations would worship worldly idols and God would turn his face from them. I feel the breaking of his heart as we who are role models as Children of God are leading this world back to where they started… Not to something fresh and real.

We say we’re Christians, we say there is hope, we say that we hold this hope – yet you can find us grinding it up in a bar, you can see us gripping the materialistic, you can see us…. Or can you see us. Or do we just blend in?

Sigh.

I’m not saying avoid anything to do with this world – stay away from the sinners, don’t associate with the real – no – I’m saying set an example, we are aliens to this world – it is not our home, we don’t “fit” here, we might not be popular, we might not be accepted by everyone, we might step on toes – actually I believe if we live a life of no compromise then we WON’T be popular, and we WON’T be accepted and we WILL step on peoples toes, we WILL make people uncomfortable in their sin.

I want to live a life for God, not for this world, not for what I can gain, not for what I’m “told’ that I need. I want to live completely sold out for Jesus, offering all that I am, all that I bring, saying use me, use my pain, use my interests, use my passions, use my past, use my future – take all of me!!! Oh Jesus more of you, less of me.

I just want to challenge anyone who reads this… where have you compromised the life you’ve promised to Jesus. In what areas have you taken it back from Him. In what areas have you kept him from touching? Your music, your relationships, your image, your pain, your money, your entertainment, what you watch. What is it? Get rid of it. Take it from your own hands and offer it as a sacrifice to Jesus. Yes, let it go. Don’t hear Meryl here, hear the heart of the Father who is so jealous for you.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

2007-07-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

oh my heart... this past week i was in swift current (miss ash neu i called your home, left a message, hoped you were in town, but i guess not... sigh)... it was our church camp meeting... not camp for youngens... but for older people... like me - i am 21 now.. tee hee. It was a good weekend of catching up with people and hearing from God. I miss that. I certainly don't feel like i depend on the camp moments, hyped up worship etc... but i sure do love them.

I'm still reading this keith green book - i had to back track and catch bri up on the whole thing after reading him one chapter - he needed to hear it all. I feel the challenge to live a fully submitted life to the Lord. I feel the challenge to give all of who i am to Him, all of who i desire to be to Him... all of my all. Oh Lord what will i do with it. I hate that I hear his voice and sit still. I hate that i feel his fire and i just let it burn me, and keep it to myself and no one else....

I was really frustrated about this for a while - that i cage up passion. I haven't been able to understand it... i would spend so much time reflecting on who i "used to be"...how when i first became a Christian I was walking in the gifting that Jesus gave me... i encouraged, i spoke when he told me to speak, i was always listening for his voice, or watching for his fingerprint... I was just so hungry for him.. then the Lord opened my eyes to why that changed...

After being granted my heart's desire - to be in a christian community, i began not "needing" to read the word... not "needing" to fall on my face daily before him just because... ugh it makes me sick the kind of life i've been living. To the outside person it's fine - it's good, i'm living for God, i'm doing things for him... oh but my heart... my heart has taken advantage of Jesus...

Thankfully, God got ahold of both Bri and I... and I am hungry... I think I'm willing to pay the cost... the cost of early mornings, or of late nights... the cost of giving up things that are dear to me for more of Him.... cuz oh my heart wants more. I truly do. So yes, my eyes were opened to my frustration of having such passion caged up - it's because it's thru him, and his word... and speaking out his word, and living in direct personal, daily relationship with him that my passions come to life.... not by my works..

God also spoke to me regarding giftings... During a service i was just quietly worshipping, i caught myself saying, "Oh Father, you are worthy." I heard his heart sink.. and his heart say - "you don't really think i'm worthy - if you thought i was worthy you would be living a full life... you would not hold back in the giftings i have given you, you would not hold back when offering them to me or the world...." I do have passions and desires, and my fear holds me back from sharing them... lies that say i'm not good enough - but my actions say someone else is worthy... sigh someone who i don't even want to be involved with... Oh Lord help me live for you alone... let me live for your glory alone!!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

2007-07-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

Psalm 142
I cry aloud to the Lord;
I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.

When my spirit grows faint within me,
It is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
Men have hidden a snare for me
Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

I cry to you, O Lord;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion i n the land of the living."
Listen to my cry,
for I am desperate in need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
Set me free from my prison,
that i may praise your name.

Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness.

A few weeks ago God placed this psalm on my heart. I was having a really tough time with body image stuff and fell upon this verse. Now it sounds pretty sorrowful - it says that David was in the cave when he wrote this.... why was he in the cave - well perhaps if i did my research or maybe just knew my Bible more i would know - but while reading this psalm - it sounds like he's hiding in the cave.

As i was reading this i began to cry, my heart related, but it didn't really make sense to me then... people don't hate me - people aren't out to get me... why do i feel like this is a cry of my heart... well as i searched deeper i realized it is a cry of my heart. I don't have people hunting me for my life - but i have an enemy who is willing to do whatever it takes to tear me away from God, and at times it feels like he is too strong for me.

This desperate cry that David is offering to God is my cry too. Lord, set me free from my prison... it struck me that it says MY prison... So often i feel like i'm captive to myself. The lies that I believe about myself, the ways i choose to live, ways that are not ways of freedom... ways that is my choice. It's definatly my prison, and Jesus, i need to be set free. I have so much passion that is captive in my prison, so much love that is pounding to be loosed, so much heart to be offered. May the doors of my prison - doors of hopelesness, fear, bondage, doubt - may the be broken to the point of no repair in Jesus name!!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

2007-07-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

I Love...

Well we'll see if I can get back into this. I really enjoy writing and i really am encouraged to read other people's blog's... so hey i'll give it another try, see what happens. First off i will share a little about myself...
I am a married woman at the ripe ol' age of 20... nearly 21 though (in like 20 more days or so)
I am a middle child
I do not smoke or drink
I do my best to live for Jesus
I feel most confident when I am in His presence..anywhere else I can hardly stand on my own
I have really long toes
I am very emotional - and i'm learning that is a strength not a weakness
When I was younger my biggest dream was to dance with Patrick Swayze... heck who am i kidding, it's still a dream
I love to make people laugh, but i'm terribly fearful in the attempt
I am a dreamer, full of desire and risk but have taken upon the destructive art of apathy
I am willing to fight to uncover my dreams... I am desperate for it
I believe that I am also willing to fight to find out who I really am, and believe in my heart of hearts that I'm worth the fight.
I love to be artistic, to draw, to write, to dance, but again, fear and insecurity has held me back... I'm beginning again to pick up the pencil, to daydream my dance before the thrown, I can see myself becoming beautiful as I walk in healing... Oh i want to walk..no RUN!
I love walks, walks with my husband and walks with my King. I love being romantic with both of them.
I love the feeling... or just the thought of sliding into home plate even when there's no possible way of winning. Or the feeling of sending a perfect pass to the setter after a hard serve.
I love using power tools, even though I might not get the screw in straight or might make a few extra holes in the wall, i love the attempt.
I love wearing pink, and putting on blush
I love getting so lost in worship that you forget where you are
I'm learning that it's ok to love, trust and believe in yourself...
I love going for car rides with my 5 year old friend and singing as loud as we possibly can, with not another care in the world - only to get the words right, or to laugh when we stumble on them
I love running as fast as I can in open fields, feeling the refreshing wind hit my face
I love the feeling after crying, where heavy sighs are endless
I love to reminise....and oh how i love to dream
I love being with my girlfriends, in sweatpants, mud masks and ice cream - or in my case popcorn - just being... not competing, not judging, but loving, and encouraging, and yeah...being.
I love my mother... she makes me feel safe. I know i can stand tall around her and be accepted in whatever state i'm in
I love laughing so hard you're worried you might pee your pants, or when nothing comes out
I love reciting old movies
I love being captured by beautiful things, the sparkle in an elders' eye... the soft cheek of a baby, the spinning of a ballerina, the wild flowers, the night sky, the saskatchewan sunset, the feeling of a gentle kiss, or a simple hug, I love the feeling of a full life, and knowing that there's so much more ahead, beyond my wildest dreams.

thats a bit of me.... there's more, of course, there's always more,
but i must get lunch ready before work....
blessings
Meryl

Saturday, June 18, 2005

2007-07-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

Oh my Jesus how i need you.
I thank you for this mountaintop, and i thank you for at this stage in it that you are continuing to be real to me, you are still there, but you are still breaking me down and chipping away and showing me how I was created to be and what i was created to do. Although it's not the most fun - being chipped away at - i thank you that i can feel your presence as you do it. I thank that i am not alone. I hate the lies in my head telling me to stuff and to give into the mould that would be so easy to become part of and become "perfect".... No, I was created to feel my pain, I was created to express my feelings, i was created to relate, to be broken, but understanding that it's my Creator - who knows me best - that He's the one who's breaking me, but He's also the one who makes me whole... i'm created to understand that, to embrace that, to encourage that. I was created to love differently than what i've seen from other people, I was created to allow myself to be loved differently than i have in the past.... wildly. without consequence. understanding that my heart isn't my own anymore... it's been made new, and it's in the hands of the Healer... I also thank you Father that your faithfulness doesn't rely on if i 'feel' you or not, i thank you that you are doing things beyond what i can comprehend, beyond what I can see. Daddy, I want to live a life of faith. I want to be known, not by what i do or what i see, but what I live - i want to be known as a daughter of faith. Oh i need you - i need confidence that comes only from you. I thank you that you hear me, i thank you that you're with me right now even as i pray this prayer and eat ketchup chips at 10:30 in the morning, i thank you Daddy that you smile when you look at me, it's because of you that i can smile when I look at me now too. You're everything to me. I love you. I trust you.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

2007-07-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Lord Jesus,
Thank you for calling my name,
extending your hand,
and inviting me not only to be with you
but to partner with you in the work you are doing in the world.
How honored I feel that you not only want to dine with me
but also to dance with me.
Take my hand and draw me into the divine embrace.

In that embrace,
help me to see myself not through my own eyes
but through yours.
Help me not to worry about my feet or wonder about the steps ahead
but merely to feel the music,
fall into your arms,
and follow your lead.

Thank you for all the places you are wanting to take me,
for all the things you are wanting to show me there and to tell me there.

I love the way you love me.

Strong and wild.

Slow and easy.

Heart and soul.

So completely.

I love the feel of your name on my lips.

Jesus.

It is a beautiful name.

No, it is the most beautiful name.

For all the longings I have for you,
and for everything that stirs those longings,
I thank you.
I do love you so much.
I long to love you even more.

Even more.

Help me to love you the way you deserve to be loved,
the way your Father loves you.
Like you are to him,
I pray that you would be the delight of my life.

I pray that you would become my deepest hunger
and my most satisfying food,
my most intense thrist
and my most refreshing drink.

I know that if I just catch the slightest glimpse of your face
or hear the most distant echo of your voice
that I will love you more.

So I ask for eyes to see all that in some way reflects you
and ears to hear all that in some way speaks of you.

I pray I could love you more each day than I did the day before

until,

at last,

metaphor becomes reality,
when I will see you face-to-face,
fall into your arms,

and dance!

Monday, March 21, 2005

2007-07-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

this past weekend brian and i were in moose jaw for another true lies show.... it was so great... so many people there, people from all over moose jaw, so many different churches, people from caronport, so many people who are excited about his... well i guess our ministry. the following day he did a parent show and it went really well, a great turn out. i love travelling with him, and doing this. i love getting asked, "so you're brian's wife".... but hate having to respond, "no, not yet..." I am very blessed to have been given someone who has a dream and goes for it..... who sees something and doesn't hold back, who hears from God and reacts. But I know that one day, I will be up there speaking, sharing my heart, and i don't really know what that will look like with true lies, but I know that God does...... and I'll just have to trust him with that.

just last night i was at this small group for highschool and young adult girls... ladies. God was speaking to me a lot about what i just wrote above. I know in highschool when I truly got passionate for God, i had so many dreams, so many visions to see things change, to make a difference to physically react to what God was doing inside of me, it burned inside of me. But I had it in my head that I had to wait till i got out of highschool and was no longer captive to the walls of the school. But now I'm out of school and literally have the entire world at my fingertips.... I have opportunity left and right... I'm flooded with it. Opportunity to walk as God has asked of me, to impact and be impacted to love and be loved.... and it's not that I"m not doing these things, I know God's drastically transformed me..... but I want MORE! I do not want to limit myself..... out of fear, out of laziness. I want to react to this burn inside of me, to this life inside of me. But now there's this lie saying that it would be good to wait to get married. Although that's not very far away, my eyes are opened to the cycle.... that when that happens there will always be something else to wait for. And I don't want to look back then with regret, knowing i've done good things, but there was so much to do, so much at my disposal..... i see that, I NEED to take hold of it..... not that if i don't my life will be a waste, but i understand that it's selfish if i don't. I choose to step out... to get over myself. to lay down my fears, my pride, my wants, my doubts.... and i just to live and love as Jesus did. Regardless of where that takes me or how that makes me.....

Thursday, March 17, 2005

2007-07-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

people are so confused about loving Jesus. I definitly do not have it all figured out, but slowly God is showing me different things, through my past, through my life right now, through sermons, through other people's lives.... it's like slowly different pieces of the puzzle are falling into place, but still i'm unsure of what the picture will look like....

slowly the Bride is being prepared for the Bridegroom......

We're told that it's this big complicated thing, that we have to do so much and be someone else.... but the truth of the matter is.... it's what that verse says in 1 Sam 10:6..... as long as you have God with you, do whatever your hands find. It's not about "oh what's my calling... what do i have to do to make God love me?" it's about being yourself, and being real, and admitting when you fail, but knowing Jesus' Face that you'll keep your eyes on it... that you'll get up when you fall down, and not try to do it on your own, but allow him to carry you... and allow others around you to help.... to walk beside you, to be real with people and to love God...... sigh..... we make it so much more complicated. It's not an issue of what we're doing, if we're addicted to nicotine, drugs, sex, ourselves.... it's a heart issue.... once we allow him to have control of our heart, our actions naturally change.... Jesus only did what he saw the Father doing...... I want to know him so initmatly that I can see... not just see, but feel it in my very being when His hand moves, when His eyes glow in delight, when he breaks for the broken.... and in not only seeing it, but feeling it I will react due to it....

bring sight to my blind heart Father.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

2007-07-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

well i have to run off to the bank right away, but i figured i'd do a quick little entry.... have you ever felt as if your heart was truly broken.... like it physically ached. Ached for wholeness.... yup mine's aching....i'm told brokenness is a good place to be.... sometimes i get tired of feeling broken. i just recently found out that my dad is living in weyburn... that's not very far from here... something inside of me wants to contact him... to talk to him, see if he misses me. I was just thinking about it, what i would say... let him know that i'm gonna get married soon, and I wont have a dad to walk me down the aisle.... that i have to save up a crap load of money so i can get married and pay off my loan beforehand as well because my dad wont be there for me, that it sucks that brian doesnt have to go to my father and ask if he can marry his daughter, let him know how embarrassed i was to not have a dad to dance with at my graduation for the father - daughter dance... how many annoying sympathetic looks i got... ask him if he thought of me that day. if he wished he was there.... God let me feel those emotions today... it sucks... but i know in order to receive healing that i need to allow myself to feel those, and let God show me what he saw in those moments, how HE was there in those moments. I dunno if i should contact him..... i really want to. oh dear... let's end on a happy note... um
I leave for california in 23 days!!!! that's exciting news!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

2007-07-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

I'm fascinated by the book.. "The Divine Embrace". I'm going to share a few quotes from the book that I've been finding quite thought provoking....

"His love is an initiating love"

"Suddenly, I understand the prostitute's tears. Not only why she wept them, but why she wept them where she did. On Jesus' feet. The feet that had pursued her. The same feet that pursue each one of us, so patiently yet persistently."

"Now so many mornings when I awake, with my head still on the pillow and sleep still in my eyes, I thank God for the gift of a new day. I ask that I not take for granted the generosity of another day, that I might be attentive to the gifts he wants me to receive and also to the ones he wants me to give. Then I ask by evening that I would love Jesus more than I did that morning. I know that I will love him more if I see him more and hear him more, so I ask to see even the slightest glimpse of him during the day and hear even the smallest echo of his voice above the other voices of the day."

"Remarkable things happen when I pay attention."

"The still point of the dance is the adoring gaze. It is the look of someone falling in love."

"There is something in a face that reflects the love of Christ. Something good and beautiful, to be sure. But something else. Something true, the way true north is true. Muggeridge was right. In the face of someone who loves Jesus we can trace the very geography of his kingdom.
All the contours and valeys and waterways. We need no other map. Seeing what I saw in the face of the nun at the Directors Guild, and in the faces along Sunset Boulevard, makes me wonder what others see in mine. If some road-weary person were to look into my face, would he find all the lush contours, all the lilied valleys, all the life-giving waterways of Christ's Kingdom? Or would he need another map?"

"We are not transformed by a curriculum; we are transformed by a person. And we are transformed not by studying that person, but by beholding him."

"Love changes us in ways that law cannot. Spiritual formation, a tearm used to describe the process of being changed into the image of Christ, doesn't happen by following disciplines. It happens by falling in love."

"One day we will be transformed. And it will be a face that transforms us. Here on this earth it is also a face that transforms us, though here we see it through a glass darkly, oten distortedly, and only fleetingly.
That is why busyness is lethal - it keeps us from beholding the face of Jesus. And that is why stillness is essential - to get the best possible look at his face, for the longest possible time. Beholding Christ's face is the still point of the dance, around which all our activity should revolve. If there is no still point in our lives, there is no dance.
There is only movement."

.... yeah i got reading and got thinking... questions that burn within me... some i'm afraid to know the answers to - do people see Jesus when they look at me? Do I busy myself so much, even with ministry, that i don't know what it is to behold the face of the one I supposedly love? It's frustrating wanting something so bad, but at the same time choosing to hold it prisoner inside of yourself... for what reason? fear of the unknown? fear of change? doubt? lazyness?

i don't want to be that person - who's too afraid to fall in love with the one who perfectly loves me. Because it might change things. That sounds bad... I call myself a Christian... but is my life devoted to Christ, is my main focus to glorify His name, do I truly want more of Him and less of me.... I call myself a Christian, but I can't truly say I'm in love with him.... cuz in love there's no fear.... yet i fear so much regarding this love. Something inside of me is screaming... YES! More of YOU Jesus!!!!! Less of me!!! The little girl inside of me who was swept off her feet at 13 years old when she heard of this love is the one screaming inside.... screaming, trying to grab attention of the 20 year old 'woman' she's beome... the churched, calloused, self centered one... I hear her.... I embrace her. More of You, less of me, Lord.

Previous Entries...

2007-07-27T19:39:00.001-07:00

I decided to add old posts from a blog I kept the last couple of years ago... the only way you could read on this particular site was if you were a member of it... this site is just a lot more accommodating...